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Boobs. Lesbians. (Andy) Dick.

Can you spot the naughty bits?

*Note: This is part of new ongoing series of interviews by Jessica. Since we've run out of Famous People to interview, we've decided to delve into the real life stories of Ordinary People, who are not half exciting as Famous People, but at least they talk to us. If you are an Ordinary Person, or even a Famous Person, and you'd like to be interviewed by Jessica, email her at theshrub@theshrubbery.com.


Anna lives in what she says is not Chicago, not a farm, but "ghetto" Illinois, although she grew up in hickville. She is 19, she swears people think she's uncool (but she isn't) and is very ordinary. Well, we had somewhat of an unordinary conversation.

J: So let's see, are you going to school?

A: I was. Until my music professor nearly drove me insane.

J: Did you major in music?

A: Yep, and I never will again.

J: What did you play?

A: Flute, piccolo, and sax

J: You played all of those instruments and you just gave it up?

A: I still play the flute, but I don't major in music. I played the sax for a few months just for fun, but Edgar (music prof.) was, like, this jazz machine, and I just couldn't take it.

J: What school is that with a jazz machine prof?


A Black Hawk College slogan (seriously).
A: It's a community college called Black Hawk college.

J: So you don't like jazz? But you went to study serious music at a CC?

A: I love listening to jazz. I'm not good at playing it, though. The teacher was stuck in the '40s, and refused to look at jazz in any other way.

J: So why didn't you go to a...uh...real school?

A: I wanted to go to a two-year college first, and then transfer to a university later.

J: So instead you just dropped it all.

A: Yeah. But not indefinitely. I'm going back on the fifteenth.

J: For what, this time?

A: Photography.

J: You want to know what I'm doing right now?

A: Sure.

J: I am making a picture of my boobs. But not really my boobs. someone else's. I am trying to get some guy to believe they are mine.

A: Hah...why?

J: Because he asked. i am playing with him. But he doesn't realize i am this good at Photoshop.

A: I see. Is he someone you know or just a cyber-pervert?

J: I know him from a chat room, so I wouldn't know him if he came up to me and punched me on the nose, but I know him enough. He wants me to write his screen name (Sk0al) on my boob to prove that it is mine.


As you may guess, Jason wasn't part of the original picture. But his mom will be so proud of his morality!
A: Well, it's good that he's not some random twelve-year-old.

J: I just thought I'd let you know that I am sitting here manipulating my boobs as we talk.

A: Well, at least it's fun, right?

J: Sort of. Have you ever done naughty pictures of yourself?

A: Not completely naked, but there was one time that my boyfriend Jonathan took some black-and-white pictures...of course, they won't be developed until he can access a darkroom.

J: How nekkid?

A: Oh, it wasn't too bad. Just a bra and some vinyl pants.

J: What would your mother think?

A: She wouldn't be mad. I'd be the uncomfortable one.

J: Why did he take them?

A: He likes the way I look (I think the vinyl pants played a small part, as well).

J: Is he a fettishist?

A: Well, he does photography. He's always taking pictures of me, but he does take pictures of other stuff, too. I'm the only human subject so far, though.

J: Is this why you're taking photography?

A: No, it's just something we have in common. I have zillions of pictures, too, but I'd like to get a degree for it, and do it professionally.

J: Do you take naked pics of him?

A: Um, no. He's shy.

J: Do you have a picture of him at all?

A: Why, yes I do.

J: Can I put it on the interview?

A: Sure. I'm in the picture, too, is that okay?

J: Yeah that'd be rad.

Anna sends picture to Jessica.

J: Okay so I'm sure people tell him all the time he looks like Andy Dick.

A: Oh, yes! All the time. He gets so pissed.

J: There's nothing wrong with looking like a celeb.

A: I know...but he thinks Andy Dick is a 'stupid fag.' He also gets the 'Gene Wilder' comments, and the 'hybrid of Gene Wilder and Andy Dick' comments, as well.

J: So is he homophobic?

A: Definitely. He doesn't even like lesbians, which isn't too typical of most guys I know.

J: What do you think about gays?

A: I don't know many, but one of my close friends is gay, while another is bi. I have no problem with it.

J: Is your boyfriend, like....really a gay hater?

A: Well, he avoids them, but he'd never hurt a gay person.

J: Speaking of lesbians, would you like to see my boob picture?

A: Sure.

J: Oh, okay. This guy wanted me to write his name on it and just hold one up.

A: Well hey, if you're good at photoshop, you're my hero, because I certainly am not.

Jessica attempts to send the boob over AIM. It will not work.

A: Hmm...if you want to email it to me, that's cool.

J: Oh well. You know what a boob looks like, I'm sure.

A: This is true. But it's still cool that you're good at photoshop.

J: The boob says "Skoal" on it. That is this guy's screen name who wants it. It looks good, though, like I really wrote it.

A: Kick ass.

J: Wow maybe i can be a spokesperson for Skoal tobacco.

A: The whole idea of chewing tobacco, to me, is just gross. But I'm sure that Skoal chewers like boobs.

J: Do a lot of people out there in rural Illinois do it?

A: Yeah, in high school, kids did it during class. One time I found whatever-it-is that they spit out stuck to the wall in the English room.

J: Hick high school?

A: Yep. Population: 420. This included staff.

J: Holy shit.

A: It sucked.

J: Did you have "drive your tractor to school day"?

A: No, we had cars. But there were cows across the street, and it always smelled really bad in the spring.

J: What city did you grow up in, by the way?

A: Port Byron.

J: Is it really a port?

A: It was a port; they used to use the church steepe as a guide for the riverboats.

J: Isn't Mark Twain from somewhere around there?

A: He was from Missouri. I think. But hey, it's all the same!

J: Crazy. well, do you have anything else to tell the world?


HiFiUnderground (Jonathan's band)
A: Yeah. Listen to HiFiUnderground (www.hifiunderground.net). The world is being taken over by bad music, and it's not cool. There's good music out there, but people don't know it, because idiots are taking all the credit and the good artists are suffering because of this.

J: Man, most people I have interviewed have the same opinion.

A: Well, then, you interview some cool people.

J: And they think they're so ordinary!

A: Hah. Well, the real talent needs to eat, too.








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