January 1999
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This page copyright 1999 The Shrubbery
Webmaster: Jason Morrison

When even elaborate games like Nintendo 64's Goldeneye become boring from overplay, there's only one thing to do: screw around. In that spirit, and having nearly exhausted the game's multiplayer mode ourselves, I present

Three inappropriate but fun ways to play Goldeneye.

by Jason Morrison

The Bitch-Slap Game

Tired of gunning each other down? Try some fast-paced and existentially ridiculous hand-to-hand combat.

Set Weapons in the multiplay mode options screen to Slappers Only. To make kills possible, set the Scenario to License to Kill (where one hit of any weapon kills). Now the object of the game is to run around like crazy, colliding with other players and bitch-slapping them right across the face, head, etc. It's fun mainly because you get right in each other's faces and one of 007's patented girly fake karate chops causes instant blood and death. You'll enjoy hours of running around each other in circles copping madly only to kill each other at the exact same time-and start all over again. This should postpone you and your friends' growing sense of worthlessness for at least a few more hours.

The Kurt Cobain Game
(or whoever dies with the fewest points wins)

After playing this game rather than going out for five nights in a row, we couldn't help notice that when you accidentally kill yourself-- by say, launching a rocket into a nearby wall-- you lose points. This game is based on the fact that your score can go into the negative and it is indeed fun to hold on to a grenade a few seconds too long.

Set Scenario to License to Kill if you haven't already, and then pick any weapon that explodes (i.e. rockets, proximity mines, etc). Now the goal of this game is to end up with the fewest possible points, hopefully the highest negative number. How do you do it? First of all, don't kill anyone else if you can avoid it. Secondly, run for the nearest explosive device and use it on yourself. Your suicide count will go up and your point total will go down. Be careful, though-- if you take anyone with you, you get a point for the kill. So feel free to rush headlong into other's explosions just to cancel out any possible points they could have lost below you.

Sounds dumb? This game is fun because it breaks the rules, and goes against the ordinary routine. Kind of like if you actually got out of that chair and went somewhere other than the bathroom. Why is it that between all four players, none of you have a girlfriend? Gee, that's a hard one. Agent Scully and Laura Croft certainly aren't going to fall for anyone who spends most of his day sedentary.

The Sneaky Punk Betrayal Game

This game is almost always fun for everyone other than your hapless victim. If there's anything nerds like, it's turning on someone even less popular, so you all should listen up.

Wait till someone leaves the room. In the Options menu, change his Control Style to anything other than what he's used to. Then from the multiplay Options take one or two points off his health with the Handicap menu. Now, when he comes back and game play inevitably resumes, gang up on him without letting him know while he tries to figure out why he can't pull out a gun and takes two shots to kill. When he starts figuring it out, gang up on him blatantly and plan how to trap him out loud. That ought to piss him off.

Actually, you're doing this kid a favor. If he gets pissed and leaves, he might do something aerobic or at least worthwhile like reading for a change. All the while the rest of you get fatter, uglier and more out of touch.

Note: the insults in this article were generally directed at myself, except for the lack of girlfriend one and/or any having to do with being a waste-of- time dork. Those were directed toward you. Happy New Year!

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