January 1999
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Getting in Shape is Easy!

by D.J. Kirkbride

Some people have been approaching me lately with the same question: "D.J., how do you keep in such amazing shape?" I usually blush, and then they go on, saying things like: "Your long legs are almost completely formless and your arms, why, there's barely a bulge in them skinny things!" I chuckle, thank them for the compliments, and reply, "My lil' secret," with a wink and a smile. Well, today, true believers, my amazing healthy diet and workout secrets shall finally be revealed!

It all starts with the diet. You see, when I go to McDonald's, I try to stay away from the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Come on, best friends of all time, that's a half a pound of cow butt! Instead, I think heart smart and order the QUARTER Pounder with Cheese.

Of course, some of you may not go to McDonald's in protest of the way they're getting too vast and how they one day may become a Big Brother organization of sorts in the coming New World Order, joining the entire world in one society and way of thinking under the watchful eye of Grimace and the Hamburglar.. When the Golden Arches are more widely recognized around the globe than Christianity's Holy Cross, well, I have to think twice before worshipping at the House of Ronald as well. Yes, I share in you concerns if not your will power to stay away from those sweet, sweet golden fries. But whenever I have the option, I choose to frequent Burger King. And when I go there, I pass on the Double Whopper with Cheese and go for the WHOPPER with Cheese. Same healthy thinking and flame broiled to boot!

After you get your diet in check, the next logical step is to start exercising. I've found that a good way to stay in shape is to live on the third floor of a building. I do this by living on the top floor of my dorm at college. It's a tough workout to stick to, though. I can't tell you how many times I've just wanted to say, "screw you, three flights of stairs!" and plop down in the first floor lobby. Just plop my sorry butt down in the lobby and make a little room for myself, complete with a Linda Carter as Wonder Woman poster and a Glade Plug-In. But instead I press on to my room up those daunting stairs. I press on to ... physical fitness.

Of course, some of you don't live on the third floor of a building. Heck, I'd venture to say that some you live in buildings that don't even have three floors! Well, you sorry sacks are S.O.L. Get used to them flabby keesters. If you're really serious about achieving physical fitness, you'll move into a building with a minimum--MINIMUM (!) of three floors.

And there you have it, D.J.'s healthy lifestyle tips. You know, it feels good to help people. [chuckle] Ah, I'm terrific.

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