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Sorry for the Delay, We Were In the Future

by Jessica Brandt

So where was The Shrub in January?

To tell you the truth, Jason and I were pretty convinced that the world was going to end on New Year's, no two ways about it. But we pretended that everything was cool, as to not upset you, gentle reader.

But we KNEW that the sky would open up, evil thingies would land on Earth, eat every thing in their path, and end civilization as we knew it. At least, that's what Art Bell told us.

So we did what any two college kids who are close, personal friends with a Robot From the Future (as close and personal as one can get with a robot) would do- hijacked the Robot and demanded he take us to the future.

Now, I know that many of you reading this are long-time fans of the Robot, and are aware of his awesome powers. How can two fleshy mortals like myself and Jason overtake his manly metal physique?

Nutter Butters.

The Robot From the Future has a weakness, and it is Nutter Butter- the peanut-shaped sandwich cookie with the pseudo-peanutbutter cream filling. Apparently, these particular cookies are not availible past the year 2022, and live only in Folklore of the Future. And they live quite well.

Anyway, after getting the Robot nearly drunk off the p-nutty goodness, Jason and I demanded he take us to the Future, away from the toil and mess that was to be the 21st century (Well, not really the new millennium yet. But this is a good story...) or else NO AXEL GREASE TO WASH THE COOKIES DOWN.

The Robot took us as far as he could go on his sugar and fat globule-filled tummy/trunk, which was to the year 2021 (conviently still stocked with Nutter Butters, enough for us to get back home.)

Jason and I quickly deciphered that the world did NOT end in the year 2000, and the world in 2021 is not as futuristic as some movies would have you believe.

First off, everything still looks the same. Big cities are still dirty, and small towns were still dirty on a smaller scale. There is grass and trees and flowers and animals. People still drive cars and sream a lot, and shoot each other.

So what's the point of writing about it, then? Well for one thing, the future DOES have some cool things. For instance, Jason and my offspring are very interesting. Note, Jason and I did not have offspring TOGETHER (I know, everyone who ever had Jason and I in the same English class just cringed). However, we did manage to stay with our current "sig-others" long enough to marry and reproduce.

Jason's three girls (Yup, "the man's man" will be wading through pantyhose and scented creams to shave every morning) ended up being beautiful specimens of the human race with their mother's height and their father's extremely long and beautiful hair. Since he never let them leave the house, they all became very smart girls as well. However, Jason got a little strange in his old age and insisted each girl have the initials "JM"- Juanita, Juniper and June. He even made his wife, Ann, change her name to Jan. Psychopath.

I finally ended up in the same state of the Union with my sweetie, John, long enough for us to generate our three lovely children. They all resemble John and I- very "jolly" and very "hairy," and all got corrective lenses by the age of two. The oldest two are very "normal" kids, with acne and musical ability. Then, there's Johnny, the "special" boy.

I knew that marrying a man from the South would bring me such luck as to have a "special" son. Not that I don't love him in the Future (I asked him. He said "My mamma loves meeeee.") It's just that I can barely deal with people of a normal caliber now... I am anxious to see how long this boy lives before I smack him across the buttocks with his father's pipe wrench ("Ha ha, it didn't hurt meeeeeee.")

Anyway, between Jason's smart girls and my two smart kids, The Shrubbery goes on to be the Premiere Web Comedy Troupe of the 21st century. Along with SummyLite, FactBaby, Senile Dan, "Midnight" Kel and Gordon (who is still doing the same schtick, but will never run out of Adventures), new staffers come on to make things a whole lot funnier. Funnier than Jason or I cold ever make it in our prime.

So what happened to Jason and I? We found a venture capitalist to back our idea of a free-form Web Comedy Troupe. We then showed our children how to do HTML and deal with the "public," and then spent the rest of our time jetting across the world, doing interviews and press conferences and commercials for The Shrubbery. We dined on fine food, got tons of free stuff, and hopped back home every weekend to read the Sunday version of "FoxTrot" (as well as see the Browns win the SuperBowl.)

Oh yeah, we also joined a panel of "experts" to lobby for faster Internet access on the Moon. Because lots of people live there in 2021.

But that is the Future, and it's yours to discover. This article started out being about the past, didn't it? I bet you have even forgotten that there was no Shrub in January, didn't you?

Well, forget it, 'cuz we ain't apologizing.

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