Hoo boy, it's been awhile, hasn't it kids? I was so busy the past two months - what with a grandmother dying and a computer crash - that I was going to write a blurb apologizing for not being able to do a column. Then it hit me....an idea that was radically new, and that nobody had thought of before.

Then I forgot that there has been a tv show about a computerized car called Knight Rider, so I decided to write this month's column about apologies.

They're tricky things, apologies - when you do something wrong, you always want to say "I'm sorry." Of course, sometimes, when you're justified, you want to say, "I'm sorry, but so's Brenda Lee." But apologizing, I think, has become way overused - people say I'm sorry so frequently, it's become like that "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" game on tv. [I swear, if I hear Regis ask Is that your final answer? one more time, I'm going to stick him into a deep fryer the size of a small Volkswagen]

However, the secret to apologizing is - get this, kids - actually changing your behavior and not doing the wrong thing.

Sure, it would be easy for me to go to my boss and say, "You're an idiot" and then say, "I'm sorry". Of course, that's only true if I don't continue to keep calling my boss an idiot. (And if you're reading this, Mike, no, you're not an idiot - it's just funny). Sometimes, people don't want to believe you - that's why you have to change your behavior.

Of course, there are always those people who believe that they never need to apologize for their behavior, because the other person screwed them over so badly, they deserved crappy treatment. Nobody ever does, folks. Sometimes, there are also people who won't take your apology because either 1) they've been burned so badly that they can't trust you, and/or 2) they feel that what you did was inexcusable. In cases like that, you just gotta walk away and promise to do better. Even if they never see it, you know you did the right thing, and that's all that matters. Kind of like the guy who invented Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, only he's not complaining about his chocolate in your peanut butter, or something.

I have to admit that I ain't exactly writin' this for my health. I've been confronted about some of my not-so-nice behavior and I've come to realize that I've acted not-so-nicely to some people in my life. (This does not count former significant others - they are in the above paragraph). Although yes, I'm going to have to make some amends, some I'm never going to have the chance to for whatever reason. The guy who wants to be cool and liked says Hey, Gordon, call them up and bring these issues to the fore. However, this can have the effect of pouring nitric acid into a paper cut on Gilbert Gottfried's finger. I can make the amends that I can, mourn the fact that I royally expletived some people over emotionally, and move on.

If you have any questions/comments/responses to this, you can always e-mail me at Gordon_D@theshrubbery.com. I will respond to any and all who reply and let's face it - receiving e-mail is cooler than Shaft, or something.[By the way, my birthday is March 6th, so please send me all those pictures of Alexander Hamilton on green paper in your wallet.]

Thanks for reading!