March 1999
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This page copyright 1998 The Shrubbery
Webmaster: Jason Morrison

So, you thought we were just a small-time publication, didn't you?

You thought "They'll never be big enough to make anywhere!" didn't you?

Well, you're WRONG! The Shrubbery staffers were invited to attend the 41st Annual Grammy® Awards last month!

We got six all-access passes in an unmarked envelope one day, so Jason, Jessica, Larry, Dan and Todd all got in a van and drove to California to attend the event. How did we choose who would go? Simple. We had a cage fight.

The sixth pass went to Miss Courtney, because she lives in California and could put us all up for the night.

As soon as we got to the venue, we knew we were in for a treat. Still in our street clothes, we got a chance to schmooze with the fine people of "GRAMMY.COM" and watch all the goofy celebrities take part in online chats. Do you know how they do that? Apparently, since stars can't type due to their "golden touches," they hire trained chimps to type for them! We saw it!

Here, Angry Dan shows John Tesh what he thinks of new-age music.
Next, we all went back to Courtney's and put on out best eveningwear. The guys looked sharp in their tuxes, and Courtney and Jess went off to look for dates.Lots of famous musicians tried to get with the girls, but they knew who they wanted.

Jess translates for the Barenaked Ladies
Jess ended up not being able to choose from any of the four Barenaked Ladies in attendance, so she agreed to make it a "group date." They were so grateful for her being a great American ambassador, and saving them from Canadian-hating stars like big bad Tony Bennet (Can you believe it?!)

Miss Courtney made one phone call, and Brian Setzer was instantly at her door to whisk her away to the Grammys in his hot rod. We asked Courtney to describe Mr. Setzer's hot rod, but she had nothing to say other than "It's big!" Setzer asked Courtney if she could wear a dress matching his suit, but the gold sequined dress store was already closed!

Some time during the night, awards were given out. A bunch of crap, we say! Courtney's date ended up beating out Jess's date(s) for one of the awards. Jess almost left BNL's table to sit with the winners at Brian's table, but she opted to stay and shoot spitballs at Vince Gill with the Barenaked Ladies and BR5-49.

Brian Setzer swings Miss
Courtney away!
Much to our surprise, Fact Boy was also at the ceremony.

"Mrs. Fact Boy was up for an award," he told us. "Did you know that there are over 25 categories for awards, but only half are given away on television?"

"That's nice," Jessica said. She quickly invited him to hang out with the staff after the awards, and went back to her seat as Fact Boy began spewing out more facts.

Fact: Fact Boy is Jessica's best friend.
After the actual ceremony, the Shrub staffers rushed out to be amongst the stars. Everyone who got an award had to have their picture taken. Todd McCafferty had somehow hooked up with Alanis, but just long enough to get his picture taken with her. Afterwards, he shrieked "Males can have feelings too!" and ran off.

If you can read this, you're cheating!
Todd McCafferty: Uninvited
Also in the lobby, Jason met up with Jerry Seinfeld. Putting all his wit on the table, Jason says this to Seinfeld:

"Hey Jerry, how about that Kramer guy! Is he tall, or what? And that George--is he bald or what? No Soup for you! Ha!"

Seinfeld called for security.

Jason tells a joke. Jerry is unimpressed.
The staff was invited to a party at Will Smith's house, where they all got very "jiggy wid it." John Tesh ran up to Angry Dan and showed him HIS nipples.

Madonna stries a pose for Larry.
Larry ran into Madonna. "I've always wanted to meet you!" he screams.

"I've always wanted to meet YOU!!" she screams, even louder.

They dance. Madonna is impressed by Larry's moves.

After what seemed like days, the parties were over, and it was time for the Shrub staff to get on back home. We all thanked Miss Courtney for her hospitality, and piled back in to the van. All of the Barenaked Ladies wanted to hitch a ride with us, but we didn't have enough room. Madonna and Larry exchanged email addresses and she and Lourdes saw us off.

"Hey," asked Jessica once they were on the road, "did anyone see Fact Boy at the party?"

No one had.

Fact Boy, known for his useless knowledge, but not known for his directional skills, did not make it to the party. Instead, he and Mrs. Fact Boy ended up in Oregon.

With one of our photographers, of course.

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