April 1999
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A Lenten Tragedy

by Tracy Nolte

As you all know, your darling Tracy is a good and proper Catholic. She does everything that a good Catholic girl should do, right down to the white cotton panties. So when it comes to the Lenten season (which it has, for those of you not in the know) and all good Catholic girls should be abstaining from meat on Fridays you would think that your darling Tracy would do the same. And so she does endeavor to do so.

For instance, at lunch today when faced with the choice of slightly disgusting overcooked hamburgers, exceptionally disgusting fish or an unusual mixture of tastes and textures they call the vegetarian sandwich, Tracy of course choose the latter. But this evening as Tracy's grumbling tummy prompted her to wander downstairs in search of food the small fact of Fridays with their meatlessness escaped her and she ordered a turkey sandwich.

On her way back up to her room where she would lonely consume her sustenance, having once again been abandoned for dinner and one again being too apathetic to actually try to find someone to eat with, this fact remembered itself to her. She continued her way upstairs torn as to what to do. Should she throw away the sandwich and consist unfulfilled on cheerios and rice cakes? Or should she chuck thousands of years (almost) of Catholic tradition and satisfy herself? The decision tore at her mind. On one hand, she was very hungry and needed her energy if she was going to tear it up on the dance floor that evening as was planned. But on the other hand, she would be breaking a well-established norm of her religion.

What to do? She continued to walk to her room and upon gaining entrance therein sat and gazed upon her conundrum. Oh, how ripe that tomato looked. How crisp that lettuce. How juicy that turkey. She was in virtual anguish. She must not eat that sandwich. The problem remained... nagging. After much deliberation she finally reached her decision.


Guess I'm going to hell.

Barenaked Ladies' note: And that's the trouble with Tracy. She never seems to do what she is told.

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