April 1999
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Phat is no Longer Phine

by Jessica Brandt

I'm going on a diet.

Jessica Brandt is going on a diet, and she is going to lose lots of weight, and live a long and healthy life.

Don't scoff! Don't hem and haw! Don't say "no yer not." You CAN'T!! I already am ON a diet! It's been a week now, haven't cheated one morsel. So nayh nayh.

Those of you who know me know that I am fat. Way fat. With this diet, I plan to lose about as much weight as Jason Morrison has ever acquired in his whole life. I won't tell you how much I weigh now, because when I write it out, it's pretty scary.

My cholesterol level is fine. My blood pressure is a little high, but I can thank the Marlboro man for that. I can get around on two feet without limping, and I actually have some sort of a life. So why did I decide to take the plunge AGAIN after 20 years of being "tubby"?

Richard Simmons.

Something about this foolish bushy sprite made me want to eat salad. He made me want to dance around like a fool. He made me want to eat SEAFOOD.

Yes, seafod. The most disgusting food group ever. Scaly fish, mollusks, crustaceans, escargot...all that crap is seafood. The only sea products I have ever enjoyed were "chicken of the sea" with mayo on a huge kaiser roll (well, more like mayo with tuna) and two fistfuls of Filet-o-Fish sandwiches oozing with tartar sauce. Rumor has it that those don't even come from the sea, but a special cow.

For some reason, I've since eaten a cold perch salad and a cold shrimp salad. The perch, I choked down. It must have been some sight to watch me eat the thing. Worst part is, it took quite a while to get everything down due to my very poor bite (oh, that's a whole other can of worms). The shrimp, however, is where I drew the line. I looked down at those little bodies, complete with tails, and ate 4 before I had to just put it down.

Cold shimp is rubbery. Cold shrimp is chewy. Cold shrimp...is gross. I worked at a restaurant where I had to de-vein shrimp. Take out their "shit tracks" if you will. thinking about where these bottom-dwellers had been made my stomach churn.

Never fear, tho. I didn't race towards the golden arches for some real food. Nope, I just went without 1/6 of my daily allotted protien that day. I forged ahead, like a real trooper.

Anyway...Richard Simmons. Really, a sweet guy. He loves me, he believes in me. He really does. Actually, I find the guy to be just hilarious. If you've ever seen one of his workout tapes, you know what I mean. He's like a character actor who can't shake the part of playing a flamingly gay man. You should see my mom and I dance around the living room with him on the TV. If I weren't laughing so hard, I probably wouldn't have the necessary heart rate for aerobic training.

Richard Simmons told Roseanne that she was fat because she was lazy. Roseanne did NOT take too kindly to that. Then he went on Rosie O'Donnell's show and told her that SHE was fat and lazy too. Richard Simmons thinks that fat people are fat because they are lazy.

And I totally agree.

I'm fat. It's no one else's fault but mine. Me and my lazy ass. Only I could say "hey move, ass!" It's not genetic. My dad has weighed 175 pounds since he was 14. My cousins could be models. Obviously, I am doing something wrong.

So I'm on this diet. Eating like a bird (for now, next week it gets easier), foregoing my one weakness-- Papa Johns' Pizza, drinking enough water to irrigate Ecuador. My main goal is to be pretty trim by the time Fact Boy gets married (July 2000, mark your calenders). I'm the maid of honor, and his fiancee is one fine-looking young lady who pretty much makes me look like a Cadillac next to her Jaguar.

I'm not bitter or anything. Not embarassed. Just think it's time to grow up and do something to better myself. I tried to quit smoking, but that was next to impossible. So the weight is coming off. As I write this, I have probably lost at least 2 pounds.

Is it showing?

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