April 1999
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The Emergence of the Dreaded Trustafarian: From Calgary to Crested Butte

by Ed Kristovic

Once, the mighty peaks of the Rockies were considered a forboding expanse. A mighty blockade on the journey west. A region populated with hostile critters and unfriendly locals. These granite spires conquered the conquistadores, were pitiless to Pike, mauled the miners and mesmorized the Mormons.

Ah, but alas, twentieth century civilization reared it's ugly heard and forever bastardized the region.

First Oscar Wilde earnestly lectured the workers on the fine art of haute culture. Ladies temprament societies began taking the ax to the saloon. Soon, the monuments to nature were flooded by throngs enjoying the guided hunting excursion and road races. Gortex-clad ski enthusiasts and the Winter Olympics followed the tenderfoot trail.

Of all the modern abominations to plague this beautiful land, however, perhaps the most appalling has been the recent introduction of a non-native specie, one more terrifying than the mighty grizzly that once roamed freely and unmolested. The creature of whom I write is none other than the Dreaded Trustafarian, also known affectionately as the Trustie or by the scientific tag Deadheadphish digginmyself wannabefreeus horiblus.

Welcome to Colorado One can spot these hideous creatures throughout the western slope and front ranges. While their markings vary from one overpriced resort to the next, certain characteristics are shares by all. Namely: the tie-dye Garcia shirt, the rainbow hemp cap and well worn Teva sandal.

The male member of the specie is fond of sporting his hair in the Dreadlock style(although no known connection has been made between the Trustafarian and the Carribean based Rasta man/woman). Females also don this fashion, although more commonly under their armpits.

Apparently a tribal mating ritual exists in the form of body piercings and tatoos. During summer months, throngs of Trusties dressed in full regalia strut their mutilated stuff before each other while playing a courtship ritual known as the "hacky-sack" in town squares of once placid mining towns. The Trusty is also exclusively caucasian.

Be it far from me to condemn these impish ones, for they have managed to eek out a living in a hostile environment. In a place and time where budget accomodations are nonexistant, the resourceful Trustafarian survives hawking trinkets and oft controlled substances to Patagonia- clad types from Germany, France, Japan and California. Recent field research indicates that Trusties do, in fact, maintain close familial bonds. Pay close attention during your next visit to Boulder, Banff, Teluride or Jackson Hole, for the entrusted ones can be seen gleefully exiting local letter repositories with their weekly and monthly stipends from mater and pater....

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