April 1999
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The Shrubbery Report: Your Kids, the Drug Scene and Watersports
by Todd McCafferty

Water is becoming more and more of a threat to our children every day.

The DEA reports an increase of 47% in Water consumption among children from the age 13-18. These are prime years to get teenagers hooked. You may have thought that this was only a problem in the inner-cities and that your child is safe, but our most recent survey shows that the greatest increase in Water abuse over the last 3 years has been in suburban areas. Due to its cheapness and easy availability, it is of the utmost importance that we as a community nip this growing trend in the bud.

Some of you may recall "drinking" Water when you were in college, but this is not the same Water you remember from your youth. Since the 1970's, Water has increasingly been mixed with other compounds such as fluoride and is much stronger than when it first was introduced. Here is a small informational factsheet for the concerned parent.



Water binging on college campuses has been blamed for a 30% increase in puddles and date rape.
What exactly is Water?

Any concerned parent should at least know some basic facts about Water. It is a clear, odorless liquid that is found all over the world, although it can also be purchased frozen in the form of "cubes" or in gas canisters as "Water vapor." Its composition is two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen.

Some of the most potent varieties come from springs in upper Canada and glacial deposits. There are a variety of types, some of the most known being Perrier and Avion. Less potent varieties include Colorado Springs and Finast brand, known as "dime swigs" and "nickel swigs," respectively.

There are two main varieties, "hard" and "soft." Both induce similar effects, but "hard" is considered to be more dangerous due to its mixture with many other chemicals. Water is commonly known as "W" or "wa-wa."



A severe case of "Water fatigue" in a 45-year-old man.
How is Water taken?

There are several ways in which Water can be ingested. By far the most common method is oral. A user will usually fill a glass with Water and then proceed to "drink." A couple "hits" is the equivalent of roughly 8-oz. Some hardcore users do up to eight 12oz servings a day to feed their habit. Some take it through a straw, while others gulp it. Other methods of ingestion include the eating of juicy, citrus fruits, such as oranges or grapefruits. The fruit will be injected with lots of water, which insinuates itself in the fibrous tissue. When the "tab," as it is known, is "peeled," it is possible to eat the tissue inside, which acts as a delivery system for the Water. During the excessive days of the 1980's, some would go as far as filling whole tubs with Water, known as "baths." The user would allow the Water to been drawn in through his or her pores.



Growing water in your home can lead to 3-5 years in jail.
What are the effects of Water?

There are several major effects of Water. Firstly, it causes biological addiction. After taking Water only a couple of times, the body becomes physically addicted to it, literally shutting itself down if it doesn't get replenished fast enough. It induces a light state of euphoria and coolness of the throat. Some claim it to be "refreshing." This usually lasts for anywhere from a half an hour to a couple hours, depending on the amount and strength of the dose. Secondary effects include light perspiration and elimination from the . Both of these processes, which occur long after the original consumption, produce a fleeting sense of release. A small percentage of the population is allergic to Water. It can cause bloating of the abdomen in some cases and even "crying," which is when Water drips from the eyes. One distressing fact is that some Water will never leave your system. After a large session of Water abuse, some users can swish their stomachs back and forth and hear the Water inside of them! In one extreme case, a heavy user's body was 70% Water!

Withdrawal effects are equally distressing. Before the body completely shuts down, it goes through various discernable stages of withdrawal. The most common is known as Water fatigue or "dehydration." An almost unstoppable yearning for more Water takes over the mind, driving users to commit unspeakable acts just to escape the "Water jones." After a while, the body begins to have trouble completing its internal processes and eventually shuts itself down. Without thorough medical care and observation, Water withdrawal will usually result in debilitation or death.

In some African villages where Water was commonly abused, whole towns have been decimated and their populations destroyed due to sudden Water shortages.

A final aspect to Water is that it acts as a "gateway drug." Many Water users move from Water to other, more serious drugs, such as "soda pop," "iced tea," and "cherry or Coca-Cola flavored Icee's."



The East German women's tennis squad was banned from participating in the 2000 Summer Olympics when tests revealed widespread abuse of Water among the team.
What can I do to protect my children?

Teach your children about Water early. The more they know, the less likely they are to even begin Water use. There are many films available that, while straightforward and shocking, are very good at showing children the dangers of water up close and personal. Some of these films include Hard Rain, The Trigger Effect, and The Waterboy.

If you suspect that your child is already experimenting with Water, you need to confront the child immediately. It is also advisable to seek professional help. Water addiction is a dangerous thing and should not be taken lightly. Some sign of Water abuse include moody behavior, excessive sink use, and straw hoarding.

PLEASE! Water abuse is a serious problem, reaching almost epidemic proportions among certain demographics. Only together can we stop this from ruining our great nation. Protect your children, start programs in your area, and most importantly, get informed and make sure others do to.

Click here for first-hand accounts of "Water trips."

Computer Simulation of the effects of water addiction

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