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Summer Jobs, Internships, Life-Long Experience!

by Jason Morrison

If you haven't found an internship or job opportunity for the summer yet, don't worry. Career Services has sent us this list of great occupations still available.

  • Accounting and Economics majors! Learn valuable skills this summer working for Quicken, the world's most popular money management software. Job openings include box-filling, warehouse floor-sweeping and envelope-licking.
  • Looking for a great job, but unable to work legally in this country/since your conviction? Work for any truckstop in the country! Pay rates are nearing minimum wage!
  • The Disney corporation is looking for college students interested in commercial art or marketing to serve as body hosts for the frozen brain of Walt Disney himself! Spend the summer relaxing in his Fantasia-inspired pleasure dome. Pay negotiable.
  • Tired of working fast food? Burger King of Ohio has never been accused of being fast. $6.50/hour.
  • A well-to-do family is looking for a governess for their two precocious children in merry olde England in the early 1600s. Pay is comparable to living expenses. Please do bring a cure for this terrible plague, O wondrous future-woman!
  • If you own a computer, you could work for the U.S. government this summer! Let us host our email-collecting virus software on your computer earn money while you sleep. Best of all, you get a bonus for each college student your files identify as a communist!
  • The George W. Bush campaign is looking for talented and energetic History and PG majors to hide under the Governor's podium and whisper salient facts about world politics during speeches, debates, and other meetings. There's a 50/50 chance for further employment writing notes on W's palm for nuclear arms summits, boy scout troop meetings and the like.
  • Boy, painting this fence may seem like a hard job, but really, it's fun. I'd let you help this summer, really I would, but my aunt said she trusts me and only me to do a good enough job. Well, I don't know-this is the most fun whitewashin' I've ever done. Maybe if you gave me that apple, I could take a break and you could have a try at it.
  • Zoology majors-work at the Columbus Zoo! Shovel elephant poop all day! I'm not kidding. All the rest of these jobs are fake, but I actually know someone doing this.
  • Stop looking at me! Why are you looking at me?
  • Whistle-stop Willie is now taking applications for apprenticeship on account a his old apprentice dying of trench foot. See the world! Ride the rails! Learn to be a hobo from a genuine vagrant, licensed by the King of the Hobos himself. Applications due by May 15th behind Krogers.
  • Are you a fast runner? You'd better be, because if I catch you with my daughter again you'll have to out run buckshot! Send a cover letter and resume with references.
  • If you are over 21 and have a valid driver's license, you are eligible for a new position in the alcoholic beverage industry. Actually, it's just outside an alcoholic beverage store. Several local high school kids just need you to buy them some beer every once and a while. Apply soon, former employee recently died of trench foot.
  • Computer Science majors and graduates with programming experience are needed by Microsoft to work on Justice-Department-crippling virus. Also known as Windows. Pay good, stock options available in exchange for soul.
  • Wish you could be a model, but then realized that you're ugly? No problem! Dogface Magazine is looking for models to pose for tasteful photographs. Must be willing to pose semi-nude and puke on demand.
  • Amalgamated Chemical and Radiation is looking for lab assistance. No experience required. Cathode-ray tube will be removed from rectum upon completion of ten-week program, but you get to keep the brain-catheter.
  • Work in landscaping this summer! Sisyphus is looking for a temp mostly for rock arranging and removal. Great way to earn some money and get in shape-forever!
  • Get your career off on the right foot as a claim-jumper! Hundreds of tons of aluminum and tin are (possibly) ready for the pickin' in abandoned mines all over the Rocky Mountains. Looking for sturdy young men willing to strong arm Native Americans and widows off their land.
  • Edward Nygma is looking for athletes-brawn to match my brain, so to speak-to assist in property theft and elaborate traps for Batman. Must be willing to work flexible hours, carry things, and get punched by Batman. Games Magazine fans and Rubik's Cube addicts a plus.
  • Enjoy whatever music is presented to you? Like things because you see others enjoying them? Then you could be a radio DJ! Must be able to come up with edgy (but not too edgy) banter on demand and answer a telephone.
  • Wanted: one Content Manager, Online Multimedia Director, and/or E-Commerce iFacilitator for new Internet startup. Will only pay in stock, Beanz or Flooz. Either way you'll get rich once we go IPO or are bought out by AOL/Time Warner. Must be able to say paradigm and cyberspace with straight face. Also looking for eSurf iExplorers and Assistant Multimedia/Newmedia Coordinator.
  • Can't think of another job, let alone another joke? Say something about Viagra! Or Bill Clinton's cigar. That's always funny!
  • WalMart is looking for new Associates. Students from recently communist, fascist or otherwise thoroughly propagandized nations can skip orientation!
  • Respected and famous knight-errant looking for squire. Main duties will be carrying equipment, defeating giants, and being tossed about by ruffians with a blanket. Pay will take for of an island or large estate, but it may turn out to be a windmill or an allegory or something.
  • The Dayton Skyhawks are looking for football players, other athletes, andů well, even nonathletes for our indoor football league team. We're really scraping the bottom of the barrel. I mean, there are three competing indoor football leagues! That's over 40 teams! How do expect us to find enough players? Must bring own equipment, cup.
  • Frank Box Carpeting is looking for carpet tasters for our new Columbus location. No experience required-on the job training. Good pay, no medical but we provide dental.

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