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Somebody's having a baby! (Not a cat)

by Jessica Brandt

*Note: This is part of new ongoing series of interviews by Jessica. Since we've run out of Famous People to interview, we've decided to delve into the real life stories of Ordinary People, who are not half exciting as Famous People, but at least they talk to us. If you are an Ordinary Person, or even a Famous Person, and you'd like to be interviewed by Jessica, email her at

This month, I was lucky to get an interview with my former neighbor, Mark. He wasn't really my neighbor, but he lived a few blocks down from me, and around the corner, near the lake. You had to go up a little path (a path! a path!) to get to his house. He's my former neighbor because he's since moved away. Because he got married. To a woman.

Now the two of them live in a small apartment in the city, and apparently they are quite happy, because they've decided to have a baby. Or maybe they're not happy, they had some sort of void in their marriage and decided they needed a baby to fill it or else they'll become alcoholics. I think Mark is already an alcoholic, but don't tell him I said that.

Anyway, we didn't just talk about the baby, but that was the most interesting bit of the interview. Otherwise, his life is pretty boring. You don't really want to read about his planter's wart and his dad's new tractor, do you?

Mark: Yeah, so my wife's been throwing up a lot lately.

Jessica: Food poisoning?

M: No, didn't you hear? She's pregnant!

J: Your kidding! Is it yours?

M: I hope so. We actually sat down and decided we should have one.

J: Is that how babies are made? By committee?

M: No, but I've got a book on it if you'd like to read it.

J: No thanks.

M: So anyway, we were thinking of getting a cat, you know? Maybe to practice, see what it's like to have something around the house that mews.

J: That sounds like a good idea. Why the baby, then?

M: We decided to go all the way. Besides, babies shed less than cats.

J: I like cats, other people's cats. I don't think I could have my own.

M: I sort of feel the same way about babies, but my wife wanted one and I guess it's sort of better because really, babies will pay you more mind than a cat will.

J: Babies are messy.

M: Yeah but cats are messy too, with all that fur and the litter box. And then that disgusting food you have to feed them that smells like raw fish, and you've got to keep the half-cans in the fridge. Yech.

J: You've got a point there. Baby food is gross but much less gross than cat food. Cats don't usually eat good things like strained peaches.

M: Yeah and when the baby grows up a bit, we can feed it fun food like that green pudding from the movie Dinosaur. Have you seen that stuff?

J: No, what does green taste like, anyway?

M: I don't know, I don't have a baby yet so I can't buy it. But the package says "vanilla."

J: I thought maybe pistachio, or lime.

M: Lime pudding?

J: Sure. But it would probably taste more like pistachio.

M: I thought pistachios were red.

J: They are but you don't use real pistachios to make foodstuffs, you use pistachio extract and then dye it green.

M: Why not dye it red?>

J: Would you want to eat red pudding?

M: I never thought about that. No, I suppose not.

J: So anyway, when is your baby coming, so we can buy this pudding and find out for ourselves?

M: She is due in October. Hopefully by Halloween, then we can take the baby trick-or-treating and get lots of candy because people give lots of candy to people with very small babies.

J: They should give lots of diapers or Tylenol or something.

M: I sort of want a cat still.

J: I don't think cats like to trick-or-treat.

M: Yeah but I want a cat, because if nothing else, cats stay small and fuzzy. Kids end up being big and pointy.

J: Pointy?

M: Little boys, at least. They've always got something pointy sticking out of their pockets, like bullets or pencils.

J: I guess so. So why don't you just get a cat anyway?

M: Well, what if the baby is allergic to the cat?

J: Or the cat is allergic to the baby.

M: Yeah, then I have to choose between the cat and the baby. And by that time, I will have known the cat longer and would probably want to keep that instead.

J: That's just too bad. But you know what? Some day your kid will grow up and hate you and run away and you can get a cat. You will be old, too, so you can get a bunch of cats and no one will say anything.

M: Yeah, and I can drive slow on the freeway!

J: Having a baby is pretty cool.

M: How would you know?

J: Well I was just thinking about the pudding, and being able to drive slow just to piss people off.

M: Yeah, the pudding thing is pretty sweet.

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