July 1998
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Talking to the Animals

By Jason Morrison

There's been a whole lot of talk about animal rights lately. Some say it's immoral to kill an animal for sport, for fur, and even for food. Others maintain that "eating animals is part of god's plan," "who cares about cows," or even "but it tastes good". Clearly, this is an important debate. But in every argument we've heard, both sides have yet to turn to the testimony of the most important witnesses in this case: the animals themsleves.

That's why The Shrubbery, in association with PETA, McDonald's, CERN, MIT, god and SeaQuest DSV's Darwin the Dophin, has spent $4.5 billion on a very important project. The project, nicknamed "Operation Monkey Walkie-Talkie," has finally reached it's goal -- the invention of a device that makes animal-human communication possible.

So without further ado, it's time to Talk to the Animals.
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