June 1999
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Webmaster: Jason Morrison

Letters to the Editors

For some reason, The Shrubbery has gotten a lot of mail recently. Lots from people who haven't read The Shrub before and now wish to complain about our back issues. People seem especially affected by the Robot from the Future. Also, most people who write do not have their own email accounts, or are using false names. Of course, we LOVE hate mail and fan mail alike. So much, in fact, that we love to print it here for all to read!

If you would like to write a nasty or nice email to The Shrubbery about anything we've done in the past 14 months, please do! Our address is theshrub@theshrubbery.com.


I am writing this in regards to the article Jesus Loves Everyone*...*Except Homosexuals [Oct. '98]. Unfortunatly, there are people like Chuck. But I also encourage you NOT to base your opinion on Christianity and God on individuals such as he. I'm not going to complain about you "being insulting", so you can continue to read on with ease...:) I am a born again Christian and -I- was horrified by the actions of this preacher. Jesus did all that he did with love, and God loves all. It is said in the Bible that God views all sin equally.. this means that a homosexual is going to recieve judgement, but same goes for everyone else unsaved by God's grace. I'm not perfect, neither is anyone else. God's grace is the only difference. Although I do feel that homosexuality is wrong, I am also one to believe you can befriend anyone despite differences in opinion. One of my extremely close friends is a bisexual, actually. There is no call for "No Fags", "'The wrAth of sIn is Death' romanS" signs, et cetera. A few words to describe our friend "Chuck" : Self-Rightious-Ignorant-Bigot. Heh.

Please don't think I'm some "Bible thumping little religious shmuck". I just wanted to let you know that we all aren't cretins like that man.

Well, Ciao..

from Dan

Editor's Note: Amen.


Checked out the Ben Folds interview. Now, I don't want to rip you apart because, although the reader's opinion is important, but i would like to give you some wholesome tips:

*snip tips*

Anyway.. i got the feel that Ben was actually rather annoyed with the interview some time in the middle of it.. be aware of that when it happens, and try to fix that, you know? You're damn lucky you got some time with him.. it's sparce.

I don't want to sound so mystical on this, but i did feel that if you were going to get shots like this, you should be aware of some things..

Richard Bachman

Editor's Note: As a result of this letter, Jessica went into a dry spell where she couldn't even type email for fear of sucking. After realizing that people from cyber-space weren't real and couldn't really hurt her, she got over her fear and went on to do a crack interview with Ken Mosher of Squirrel Nut Zippers. Sucks to you, Mr. Bachman!

Dear Shrubbery Staff,

Your newspaper is atrocious! I have never read anything more pointless or unuseful in my life. Reading The Shrubbery (I'm hesitant to capitalize you're paper's name, because it in no way deserves that kind of respect) has made my mind numb to the point where I want to kill myself. Your writers can't tell the difference between what is humorous and what is insulting.

Enlighten me, what is the deal with making Jason into some kind of God? You think that you can promote him as a leader for the next millenium (or whatever you said about him) and that people will actually follow his lead? What are you insane? All rational human beings know that all humans make mistakes at one point or another (or many points for this one) and that following a leader is accepting that mistakes are acceptable. Mistakes are unacceptable you misguided fools!

What is blasted deal with the Robot from the Future?! I have never seen a more gruesome portrayal of what the future will be like. Your crass paper suggests that there will only be work in the future and that robots will dominate the universe. Don't you understand that a world like that what actually be dead? What is the sense of living if you are dead and not living?

Additionally, who in the smeging world does the Ministry of Culture think he is? He has no right to determine what is correct action in a social situation. Nor do your paper writers have a right to try to brainwash their readers with statements like, "Now go listen to Ben Folds Five." Yes, I know that wasn't exactly the way that you put it in your paper, but so what? You get the point that you have no right to put useless propaganda into the heads of people who choose to read your paper.

If I was able to do so I would give the grand gift of a virus to all of your writers computers and destroy all known and unknown records of The Shrubbery. I would also destroy all ideas that ever existed of The Shrubbery in the past, present, and future. Then I would go eat pretzels. hmmm...

Doug Lefelhocz

Editor's Note: Doug Lefelhocz ("pronounced LE-FEL-HOLTZ") is a clearly insane person that went to high school with Jason and Jessica. He is now "out in the world."

Subject: NICE BUTT

I just wanted to tell you that.

from "Pudnannie"

Editor's Note: This was to Angry Dan. He gets mail like this all the time.

Hey there,

I was just reading this utterly putred magazine online and it said to send email. Being a loyal civil servant and one who always follows directions I decided I would.

I just want to congratulate you guys on your first year. I found The Shrub by chance. I work in Elliot computer lab [at Ohio Weslyan Univ.] and though you may not believe it, I find times down here that are not utterly exciting. I tend to go see what other people have been looking up on the computer I always use. I saw The Shrubbery and figured it sounded Monty-Pythonic and I checked it out. That day I subscribed. I've been hooked ever since. I look forward to the beginning of the month when I know I'll have at least one day where I have something to do in this dungeon. Maybe it's unfortunate since I usually spend my time here catching up on sleep, but there are sacrifices we make.

So best of luck with your goals and I look forward to more "tasteless" humor like the Water article [Apr. '99].

from IV

Editor's Note: The Shrubbery- amusing bored lab assistants everywhere.


Instead of kicking your butt, I'd rather cut your hair!

from Karen DeJong

Editor's Note: Nice butt.

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