Marie's Giant Snow Penis
by Jessica Brandt
*Note: This is part of new ongoing series of interviews by Jessica. Since we've run out of Famous People to interview, we've decided to delve into the real life stories of Ordinary People, who are not half exciting as Famous People, but at least they talk to us. If you are an Ordinary Person, or even a Famous Person, and you'd like to be interviewed by Jessica, email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
So once again, you're here looking for porn, huh? Well this isn't a pornographic interview. This is my interview with Marie, who was the first (of millions) to apply to be interviewed by me. She is not famous. Well, she might be famous, but if she is we dont' go to the same Famous Parties.
Anyway, I went to her Website to see what she was all about and I remembered the fabulous picture of a snow penis I had seen there before. It's beautiful, with veins and all. Not that penises are that beautiful to begin with, but for a penis, it's pretty nifty.
Here's what Marie and I had to say:
Jessica: So like...are you trying to sell
Marie: What do you mean?
J: Why do you want to be interviewed? Are you trying to sell us something?
M: I don't think that's the case. After all,
you are a big and famous e-zine, and you're
worth more than I'll ever be worth. If we're
going to be transferring resources, it should be
the other way around!
J: Buy our product!
M: I was going to buy a t-shirt, but I have
bad luck with t-shirts.
J: So do we. We couldn't give them away.
So why are you making me interview
you? Are you interesting?
M: I didn't make you do anything! You
were asking for people, so I decided to answer
so that you wouldn't be laying around wondering
"why isn't anyone writing back?"
J: So you don't want me to interview
M: No, I do, I guess. I've been a fan of
the Shrubbery for quite some time.
J: Tell us how great we are!
M: My little brother tells me that my
sense of humor is a blend of the Shubbery and
Do you want me to bow down or something?
J: Your little brother reads the Shrubbery? How little is he? under 5'?
M: I shouldn't call him little any more. He's a lot taller than me...he's 16 and I'm 20, and he's like 5'3 and I'm only 5' provided I'm wearing shoes and socks (not in that order.)
J: Are you Filipino? I saw your picture. They teach us in
White-World how to recognize people of other ethnicities.
M: It's funny though...most people in
White-World can't tell the difference between
Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Thai and so on, and
they don't realize that people from Russia and
India are Asians too.
J: I've got a good friend who's Filippino.
They're all good looking people.
M: Except for the ugly ones.
J: I went to your site. I went there to see
the snow penis a while back, then I was surprised
when I saw it again, after you'd mailed me!
M: Why, was it different?
J: It's much better than the snow penis
FactBoy and I made.
M: You guys made one too? Was it 7'
J: FactBoy and I made one
that was just a big drawing in the snow, so that
the people in the Honors Dorm could look out
their windows and see it.
Our penis was a little less "ready for
action" than yours was.
M: I can't take credit for it though. I
didn't help make it, or even take the picture. It
was all friends of mine that did the work while I
pointed and laughed.
J: Pointed. Hehehe
M: Do you like the caption under it?
J: I forget what it says. Tell me.
M: "Yes folks, it is indeed a snow penis.
It stood an impressive seven feet tall upon its, um,
M: So am I worthy of this interview? Am
I boring you?
J: What interview?
M: How many other applicants were
J: TONS of applicants. HUNDREDS...We had to beat them off with a stick.
M: I feel pretty darn special then. People
will be looking at every single character I type...I
better not mess up or anything.
J: Ah, I am the editor, you know. I edit this stuff.
M: Jessica is a wonderful person.
J: Heh, I'll edit that out :)
M: Such vulgar material...how dare I!