Exploding the Myths:
The Shrubbery reveals three scientific facts
by Andrew Smith, DDS
1) It's true - masturbation makes you blind
Long since dismissed as a "phallacy", this
is a SCIENCE FACT. If you are male and partial to solo sex, be warned. A
bishop bashed by your own fair hand till red raw is a sure sign of imminent
blindness, as Ray Charles found out to his cost. Here's why:
Your body is an intricate network of nerves
and hormonal feedback systems. It is more intricate than the most intricate
of intricate Persian rugs. If you were to lay all your body's nerves end to
end they would stretch around the earth four times, make a trip to the moon
and back, and go around the world again via Venus. Twice. Yes, there are
that many of them. So it's hardly surprising that they may conflict with
each other from time to time, as they do in every male's body at two crucial
junctions: the hand and the penis.
Friction on the penis alone is harmless and
often pleasurable, unless it involves sandpaper. Friction on the hand alone
is similarly nothing to worry about. But friction on both at the same time
leads to an involuntary hormonal relapse in the optical tactillian
cerrebremumum nodenols in the brain (more commonly known as IHRITOTCNITB
syndrome) and triggering this too often send a message to your retinas
telling them to slowly melt. And thus gradual blindness sets in.
So all you men out there, beware. Next time
you're fit to burst, keep that overactive wrist away. Instead get someone
else to satisfy your needs, or rub up against a bit of cloth or something. I
know someone who used to get imaginative with his erection, his cat and some
potted meat. Whatever you decide, remember this: next time you're randy,
don't get handy. It's just not worth it.
2) Isaac Newton was wrong about gravity...
...but so nearly very right. As everyone
knows, he claimed to have discovered this mysterious force by freak chance.
One day, while masturbating under a tree, the soon-to-be-blind scientist was
diverted from his sordid hobby by an apple falling on his head. 'Ouch!' he
cried, but his anger soon gave way to inspiration. 'Eureka!' he cried,
shamelessly aping Archemides. For Newton saw an apparent blinding truth:
that something was pulling the apple earthward. And this something he named
'Gravity', after his dog. All scientific thought since has revered Newton's
theories - but he was wrong about one crucial thing. The apple was not a
symptom of gravity. It was the cause of gravity itself.
Oh yes. So why, for Pete's sake, did such an
insightful if slightly depraved man not see this? Well, Newton never much
cared for apples. He preferred pears. He liked their juicy ripeness and took
an almost fetishistic delight in their soft, giving flesh. Had a pear landed
on his head all might have been different. However, this was unlikely. Pears
aren't as common as apples, and who can blame them? Pears are not entrusted
with holding mankind to the ground. But apples are. Yes, they are. Apples
Why, then, should apples fall at all? Ah,
because at any one moment there are more apples and the remains of apples on
earth's ground than on trees. So everything, including other apples, is
attracted to the ground. There are only a few apples on the moon, which is
why you can bounce around on it like a prick. Jupiter, on the other hand, is
crammed full of apples, and mainly strong varieties like Orange Pippins at
that. The gravitational pull on Jupiter is so strong it beggars belief.
Indeed, its famous 'red spot' is thought to be a dense cluster of bruised
apples. But black holes take the piss. Each molecule in these scary things
holds 30 000 ultra-condensed apples. The gravity here is so strong that no
light can pass through, not even apple-light.
We owe much to apples; without them we would
float of into space and cough and explode, one by one. The dinosaurs were
here long before apples, which accounts for their massive girth. The
creatures had to be lardy-arsed and heavy enough to anchor them to the
ground. Alas, this was to prove their eventual undoing, for when apples came
along they became too heavy and the force of the fruit pulled them
underground where they suffocated and died. This explains why you never find
dead dinosaurs just lying around on the earth's surface.
It is inadvisable to eat apples. Ingesting
pure gravity can cause nausea and diarrhoea, before leading to chronic
obesity and death. This is why people from Somerset are fat, sickly and
short-lived. Stick to peaches, that's my advice.
3) Bacon is good for you
Bacon is great for you, possibly the most nutritious food known to man. As
my grandfather used to say, before he died at the ripe old age of 52, "a
rasher a day keeps the doctor away". And he was right, got bless his
Consider the logic. Poisonous foodstuffs always taste horrible - for example
toxic berries or bananas. It is nature's way of saying 'don't eat this
shit'. Conversely, healthy foods, like bacon, smell and taste lovely.
Sadly, the health-police wish to stigmatise bacon along with other culinary
gems (eg blackpudding, bellypork, beef dripping) as a fattening,
artery-furring, heart attack inducing food of Satan. These are lies, or
should I say 'porkies'. It's good to have furry arteries - it staves off
hypothermia in winter and exercises the heart by forcing it to pump blood
The notion that bacon - or that fat - is bad for you is the result of an
evil collusion between powerful, land-owning arable farmers and the
government, who allegedly receive a cut of the subsequent profit and state
subsidies. Many a brave scientist, seeking to expose this conspiracy, has
subsequently died in 'mysterious circumstances'. Those in the know can only
sit in silence while the rest of the nation poisons itself with lentils and
Don't worry about the ethics of eating bacon, or indeed any part of a pig.
The pig is there to be eaten by man. It's the most natural thing in
the world to artificially breed, feed and then slaughter pigs for
consumption, and like most natural pleasures - e.g. sex and defecation - it
has become a taboo in some cultures.
For peace of mind though, avoid 'free-range' or 'outdoor-reared' pork.
Always buy meat from animals that have been cooped up together in tiny sheds
for most of their wretched lives. You can then eat without qualms, happy in
the knowledge that for the pig death came as a great relief.