The Shrubbery
July 1999
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Shrub Games:
The Star Wars Mall Game

by Jason Morrison

Yes, last month was our Star Wars Issue, not this month. But Star Wars doesn't die out in a mere one month. Oh no, Star Wars will be with us for quite some time.

That is, Star Wars merchandise.

Oh, you've seen it everywhere by now. That Pizza Hut Yoda that tells the future. The Darth Maul lightsaber that lights up and really hurts children. The neckties, the shoes. It's everywhere.

Which we here at The Shrubbery look at not as a travesty, but as an opportunity. An opportunity for a brand new mall game, the Official Star Wars Mall Game.

The Rules:

Go to a mall. Pick a store at random, and find a clerk, cashier, customer service agent, etc. who would be knowledgeable about what's in the store and where you can find it. Then ask this question:

"Do you have any Star Wars (fill in the blank)?"

The idea is to ask for an item they would indeed have in that store, but would probably not have a Star Wars logo on it. For example:

GNC (heath food store):
Me:
"Excuse me, but you guys have weight gainer here, right?"
Clerk: "Why yes."
Me: "Do you have any Star Wars Weight Gainer?"
Clerk: [blank stare].

Scoring:

You get two points for each store where you ask for a Star Wars version of an item they usually have and they DO NOT HAVE IT. One point is deducted for each store where they actually have the item in Star Wars form. You may get one additional point for each additional item you are able to ask for in that same store before they kick you out. For example:

(still GNC):
Me:
"What about Star Wars vitamins? You know, in the shape of the little ships?"
Clerk: "Let me checků No, sorry."

Score: 3 points.

I recently ran the first ever attempt at this mall game, and here were some of the results:

Browns Town (sells Cleveland football merchandise):
Me:
"Do you have any Star Wars Browns merchandise?"
Clerk: "No, I don't think so. Sorry."
Me: "Thank you!" (2 points).

JC Penny (department store):
Me: "Do you have any Star Wars men's briefs-you know, underwear?"
Customer Service Person: "I'm not sure, but we have a whole Star wars Section down the stars and to the right."
Me: [checks Star Wars Section, finds said underwear]. (-1 point).

The Disney Store:
Ryan: "Do you have any Star Wars Mickey Mouse Toys?"
Clerk: [seems insulted] "No, we don't have anything like that."
Me: "Do you have anything at all from the future?"
Clerk: [more insulted] "Well, we have Buzz Lightyear."
Me: "But he's not Mickey Mouse, right?
Clerk: "Right." (2 points for Ryan, 1 for me for creativity).

Some Random Jewelry Store:
Me:
"Excuse me, but do you have any Star Wars jewelry-- like a necklace, maybe?"
Clerk: "Gosh, no, I don't even know where you could find something like that."
Me: "Maybe in the shape of the little ships?"
Clerk: "No, I'm sorry."
Me: "Thanks!" (3 points).

Taco Bell:
Me:
"Do you have any Star Wars toys?"
Cashier: "We won't have anything until next week."
Me: "Do you have any Star Trek toys?"
Cashier: "No."
Me: "Do you have anything from the future?"
Cashier: "No."
Me: "Then I'll just have three soft Tacos and a small drink." (No points, because I knew they wouldn't have the toys yet, so it was cheating).

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