August 1998
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HANGNAILS, RELIGION, AND VOLKSWAGENS

by Mark Dunphy

Have you ever had a vicious hangnail?

I am not talking about your run-of-the-mill hangnail. I mean one that really clings hard, like an aging actress to her plastic surgeon.

I am talking about one so bad that you leave it hanging, rather than sucking it up and tearing it off.

I'm talking about such a horrible hangnail that if Jesus Christ were to have such a hangnail, he would say "Jesus Christ!" Coming from Jesus, who has actually hung from nails, that would be saying something indeed!

Well, I've never had a hangnail like that.

I'd rather be run down by a big-shoed phlebotomist in a Volkswagen.

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