The Shrubbery
August 1999
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The NAACP-Approved New Fall Lineup

by Jason Morrison

Recently, the NAACP criticized the TV networks for having whites-only primetime line-ups. Here's a look at what each network plans to do to make their lineups more diverse.

NBC

Updates to current shows:

"Friends," which until this year has had an all-white cast, will now be known as "I Have Black Friends." The first episode under the new title will feature Chandler, Monica and the group each introducing their "cute but smart" black friend to each other-- only to discover that it's the same person!

Look for this person to pop his head up in Chandler and Joey's apartment in future episodes as well.

New shows:

NBC had planned, via computer graphics and the muppet wizardry of Jim Henson Productions, to create a brand-new "Cosby" show for the fall season using comedian Bill Cosby's corpse as the star. Plans were scratched, though, when it was discovered that Cosby is actually still alive.

ABC

Updates to current shows:

The "Home Improvement" family will have to make quite an adjustment when Tim loses his job and the Taylors are forced to move to a Detroit ghetto! Watch as Tim and Al continue their zany workshop accidents but with black people around.

"Boy Meets a Black Person." With Cory all grown up anyway, it's pretty silly to keep calling the show "Boy Meets World." So ABC kills two birds with one stone with new revamped "Boy Meets a Black Person," where Cory takes on a new job and meets zanily black Bobby Jackson, played by Chris Tucker!

Finally, the popular "Whose Line is it Anyway" has promised to always feature that black guy who sings well in future episodes.

CBS

Updates to current shows:

Get ready to laugh at this fall's "Everybody Love Raymond Likes African Americans," starring Ray Ramano as a father and husband who also is specifically non-racist. Watch Raymond specifically recruit blacks to move into his neighborhood and try really hard to cultivate friendships with them, which quite frankly creeps them out!

New shows:

Steve Urkel is back in the new series, "Family Matters 2000." Jaleel White reprises his signature role as a nerd with an annoyingly high voice. The series picks up again with Jaleel discovering no one will ever hire him for the rest of his life after the Urkel thing, and then re-joining the Winslow clan!

FOX

Updates to current shows::

With contracts soon to go back into negotiations, FOX has leaked rumors of replacing David Duchovny and Gillian Andersen with "hipper, more over-the-top" black actors as agents Mulder and Scully. Though the details are sketchy right now, comedian Sinbad has been mentioned by insiders as possibly the next Mulder.

FOX has also announced that the robot Bender on its new show, "Futurama" was manufactured in Mogadishu and now lives in New New York, which technically makes him "African-American." Be sure to catch all his zany drinking and womanizing in the new season of episodes this fall!

FOX will also discontinue Eddy Murphy's series, the "PJ's," to the advancement of colored people everywhere.

New shows::

With most of their ratings coming from either cartoons, X-Files and Ally McBeal, FOX has announced plans to merge the three into a new series, "The Animated Government Cover-Up of Anorexic Lawyers." The show is said to feature several African Americans in key roles, as well as a sexy Asian doctor, a sexy Latina lawyer, and an all-devouring mole man last seen in the X-Files episode "Mole Man of Oregon."

This season's list of new "World's Deadliestů" shows also includes "World's Deadliest Mudslides in Africa," "World's Deadliest Chicago Bulls Victory Celebrations," and "World's Deadliest Police Pulling Over Blacks 30% More Than Whites For No Reason."

UPN

Updates to current shows::

Though not much will change in the network's only popular series, "Moesha," actress Brandy is said to be hard at work making 12 seasons worth of new episodes for this fall as UPN moves to an all-Moesha line-up. New episodes of Moesha will be shown Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights with two-episode "Double Trouble" nights every weekday. Other slots in the lineup will feature Moesha spin-off shows and Star Trek: Voyager, which for some reason has refused to die.

WB:

Updates to current shows::

WB has announced plans to cram even more black people into it's current line-up of "The Wayans Brothers," "Jamie Foxx," "Steve Harvey," "The Parent 'Hood," "Smart Guy," "Sister, Sister," etc., etc., with a clown-car style lineup this fall. "We will capture all of their advertising dollars!" one Warner Brothers executive was overheard saying, "Hahahahaha!"

New shows::

"The Almost a Wayans Brother Show" will debut this fall, starring James "Wayans" Smith, who is reportedly a cousin of some sort to Damon and the other Wayans. It is rumored he is also a midget.

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