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Scott: Love him!

by Jessica Brandt

*Note: This is part of new ongoing series of interviews by Jessica. Since we've run out of Famous People to interview, we've decided to delve into the real life stories of Ordinary People, who are not half exciting as Famous People, but at least they talk to us. If you are an Ordinary Person, or even a Famous Person, and you'd like to be interviewed by Jessica, email her at

Scott Schnieder lives in or near Madison, Wisconsin with his kitty named Risa and his laptop that he hates. How did I come to interview him? I cheated. I picked the most interesting person from my Buddy List and interviewed him. Turns out this interview could be good for the both of us: I get more content, Scott could get a date. If you live in Wisconsin or anywhere in the lower 48 states, including Canada or the U.K., are not a psycho bitch, like to wear orange, snuggle, and would like to hook up with Scott and/or his kitty, email him at If you would like to know more about the REAL Scott, email The Shrub and we will hook you up with his ex-girlfriend (who is also a Shrub reader.)

Jessica: So Scott, what do you do?

Scott: Is this the interview yet?

J: I'm asking you questions.

S: I guess. That would be yes, then. You mean for a job?

J: And otherwise. What does a Scott from Wisconsin do with his time?

S: I'm a Webgeek. Also, pet my cat. But not while at work.

J: What does a Webgeek do? In detail.

S: We have these customers that pay $200/month to have us host their ugly websites. Occasionally, they do things like break our computers.

J: Don't you just want to fix them up for them? and become a millionaire?

S: Yes. But. That would take more effort. A lot of effort. For a lot of crappy Websites.

J: How old are you?

S: 22.

J: And you are incharge of all these important, crappy Web sites?

S: Yes. I make sure that they stay up, so the general internet public can see them and go "That sure is an ugly Website! but whoohoo is that a reliable server its sitting on!"

J: So the server is totally reliable?

S: Well, nothing is totally reliable.

J: Do you host your own site on it?

S: No ma'am.

J: Why not?

S: Well, I'm not sure. If I had a site I ever updated, I might.

J: Could you do it for free?

S: Sure.

J: You are silly, then.

S: Well. I'm not paying for anything as it is!

J: Why not?

S: Before I had this job, I met this boy named Heath who said I could host my crap on his server.

J: Where does Heath live?

S: Nashville, Tennessee.

J: How do you know a boy from Nashville?

S: He picked me up in an airport in Atlanta a few years ago.

J: Sounds intriguing. Tell me more.

S: The Atlanta airport has a little subway-thingy that connects the terminals. It speaks many different languages.

J: That's nice. The Cincinnati airport, you have to take a bus! So why were ou in Atlanta with this boy?

S: Well. That's a long story!

J: Make it short. People have very short attention spans. Or, make something up. People won't know, since you aren't famous.

S: Right. I dumped my girlfrend, and to get away from the psycho bitch, I flew to Atlanta for a concert, not knowing anyone there and not really having a place to stay. And the person who said hed pick me up was a fucknut (can i say fucknut? fucknut.) And had this boy Heath pick me up for him. And he was wearng a hat, and owned one of the same shirts that I did. So I thought he was okay.

J: Was he wearing the shirt or did you just sense that he owned it?

S: He was wearing it. Good thing it wasn't one that I had packed.

J: Yeah, people might think you're twins. Or gay. Or gay twins.

S: Right. That'd be bad! I can't get any as it is.

J: Shirts?

S: Not so much.

J: What?

S: Sweet sweet lovin'. Maybe this interview will help! Please mention that I am super hot.

J: So what are you looking for in a girl?

S: Good question! Um. Someone who wears orange, and likes to cuddle.

J: That's it?

S: Oh! It also helps if they like me. That one is always a toughie. Thats enough to weed out a lot of them.

J: Well maybe we can help you out. I know at least 3 girls read The Shrubbery.

S: Right. One of them is probably an ex-girlfriend. haha.

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