This page copyright 1998 The Shrubbery
Editor's Note: If you're in college, chances are you have no idea about current events. I know I don't. So as a service to you and a way to use this wonderful news realease photos I've gotten my hands on, we now present:
Yes, I know, this is what The Onion does, more or less. Well, they're not the first one to do it either. I will, however, concede that they are much funnier than us. BTW, this stuff isn't real.
Internet Continues to be Haven for Ugly, Unpopular
HAVERSBROOK, NJ: A recent poll by Haversbrook-area research firm DataTronics has concluded most Internet users are nerdly, unpopular and ugly.
The study confirms earlier results, finding that 45% of Internet users haven't had a date in 6 months, 83% are considered unattractive by others and 96% think "X-Files" is the best show every, excepting maybe "Star Trek: The Next Generation."
Datatronics commented though most internet users are indeed hopeless, many are successfull.
"All of your big Fortune 500 guys consider themselves avid Internet users," Bob Golic, president of marketing, said. "Also, the study revealed that web surfers make up 98 percent of all computer programmers and 96% of all "tech guys."
Internet users continue to be above national averages in income, education and Monty Python quoting.
"Because everything runs on computers, and so many people are afraid of them, these people pretty much control everything," Golic said. "We really have to stop it before people like us, who are naturally more attractive, are forced to intermarry with geeks to survive."
Hanford Dixon, president of the Haversbrook High Computer Club, disgreed.
"Laura Croft is so hot," he said. "I'm going to be a programmer, make $100,000 a year, and marry Dana Scully."
Dixon's rival, Beff Bixby, was shocked by the study's findings.
"I've beaten Hanford at least once a week since he wore an 'Amiga 500' T-shirt in fourth grade," he said. "And now he's going to be rich? That bites."
Bixby recommended younger bullies and "preps" should step up their psycho-social attacks on unpopular kids, driving them to suicide before they can get higher pay and more job satisfaction.
"Though it doesn't matter anyway," he said. "I'm going to be in the NFL in six years."
Most Anti-freeze Still Kills Dogs
Experts hope no one finds out
NEW FAVRE, CONN: Despite new products such as Sierra brand anti-freeze, most anti-freeze still kills dogs, according to industry experts.
"And they just love the stuff," veterinary biochemist Sal Mullony said at a press conference yesterday. "We must take steps to make sure this does not become common public knowledge, or we may see many more dead Rovers in the next few years."
According to a recent telephone survey of middle school vo-ed students, this is a growing threat. When asked, "Do you know that dogs like anti-freeze, but it is horribly poisonous?" in March of 1997, only 30 percent answered affirmative. In a duplicate study done in April of that year, nearly 90 percent said yes.
The study considered middle school vo-ed student because "Everyone knows they're degenerates," according to project leader Laura Whilms.
"The figures don't lie," she said. "And I bet those little creeps are plotting right now to put out a pan of tasty anti-freeze for their nieghbor's dog, out of revenge, spite or sheer maliciousness."
Mullony cautioned publicity would only lead to more tragedy.
"Remember after the Oklahoma City bombing, when everyone and their brother started mixing fertalizer and fuel oil? That could happen here," he told reporters. "We can only hope that the viscious media, ready to exploit every lurid detail of death and tragedy, does not find out about how easy--and yes, fun--it is to poison dogs with anti-freeze, available at any WalMart, K-Mart or corner store."
Mullony then distributed press kits describing how to keep this knowledge out of the hands of the masses, including in each a keychain of Buttons the dog, the effort's mascot.
"I hope to God we can keep this information off the Internet," Mullony concluded.
Big Bird Sues General Motors Over Discrimination
"This is an outrage," GM lawyer responds
NEW YORK: In a shocking move yesterday Big Bird, star of the popular television show "Sesame Street," filed a discrimination suit against General Motors Corp. stating he is unable to use their products because of his extreme hieght and girth.
"I just wanted a ride to the museum with Jill and Eduardo," said the giant, yellow bird in a press release. "But even though the minivan is GM's largest family vehicle, I could not get inside."
GM countered with a statement saying Big Bird is unable to use their minivans because of a lifestyle choice.
"It's a man in a suit, for Christ's sake," GM public relations czar Nick Winegart said. "Why doesn't he just take off that big, beaked head, step out of his feathered, hoola hoop- supported chicken suit and drive?"
Big Bird was shocked by GM's insensitivity.
"I am not a man in a suit," he said. "This [GM's statement] is representative of GM's insensitivity toward my kind. It's been going on for ages, and it's not just them. I'm striking a blow for giant muppets everywhere."
Winegart, however, was unreachable at press time. One GM lawyer said, "GM is unable to further respond at this time about the case or about Big Bird's real or imaginary status. We remain coinfident that this claim is unfounded and does not reflect any problem in the design of our minivans, sedans, coupes or other products."
Reactions of fellow Sesame Street cast members and residents were mixed.
"I stand by my friend Big Bird, because that's what friendship is all about," Bert said. "Though I have never had a problem getting in and out of any vehicle, often changing camera angles while my human operator enters and hides on the floor, I can empathise with puppets of Big Bird's race and their problems."
"What's a lawsuit, Bert?" Bert's partner, Ernie, enquired.
"Shut up and get back in the cage," Bert replied.
Resident Grover, who lives next door to Big Bird, was usure as to the details of the case.
"Near," he said, running closer. "Far!" he countered, runing away.
"Personally, I like lawyers," Oscar the Grouch said. "But that's only because last year the sanitation workers' union used a bunch of them to sue every last dime out of me. That made me miserable, but I like being miserable, so that was fine by me."
"Besides," he said, "I live in a garbage can. I bet they were surprised when they found out I have amassed over five nickles in debt to Prarie Ann."
"That's five, five nickles, ha ha ha!" the Count said. He then counted his fingers, some candles, and a group of passing bats.
Mr. Hooper was reluctant to comment on the matter.
"Big Bird was my friend," he said. "You can tell by how greatly my death affected him all those years ago. But I'm dead now, for goodness sake! Bury me back in the graveyard you found me in, you animals!"
The case goes to trial Monday.
"I hope this is all resolved in the end," Big Bird said. "GM needs to realize that the real world, like Sesame Street, is multicultural--with muppets, latinos and black people as well as whites."
Above stories written by Jason Morrison