The Shrubbery
September 1999
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Court-nay: The Musical

A Review(?) by Jessica Brandt

Okay so this isn't an actual music review, it's more of a "Get back at Courtney" thing. But if you are a "fan" or a regular reader of Courtney Knopf's stuff, this is where you'd be looking.

If you didn't notice, the August Shrub was music-review-less. It's not because we gave Courtney the month off, or because there was nothing to review, but because Court-nay screwed us over.

Yes, simply screwed us over.

Now, we have been allowing in recent months for our regular staffers to take a month off, as long as they give us notice and say how sorry they are, and promise to come back the next month. We at least have a chance to whip up something to put in their place. Both Jason and I being busy people ourselves, we understand. We also love our regular "staffers" and don't want to lose anyone. They make up the bulk of what classifies this ezine as "good."

But in August, Courtney decided to not tell anyone she had no plans to submit anything. In fact, she told me that she HAD stuff for us. This was around July 30th. August 1st I sent her email asking where she was. I knew that she was having housing problems and might not be able to get back to me until the middle of the month. Okay, we're bi-weekly now, we can handle it.

In this age of technology, where communication can be had with the click of a button, and the world seems as large as a tennis shoe, I still did not hear from Courtney by the middle of the month. I would have been "worried" about her well being, had it not been for a mutual friend who said she'd seen Courtney online in a few of their regular haunts, and had even chatted with her. This mutual friend had seen postings to newsgroups by Courtney and even gotten email from her!

So where was our "I'm sorry guys, I'm busy!" email? It was never recieved. Never sent. Worse yet, I found out her housing problems didn't take effect until the end of August. And that Courtney had a new boy.

"Ooooooooh," I said. "New boy. It's all clear now."

So I brooded, called Courtney nasty names behind her back, and said "No one screws over My Shrubbery!" I thought of evil, nasty things to do to Courtney. I sent her nasty email. I was mad.

Rightly so! Because not only did she decide to leave without telling us, but we were left without any reviews. A big chunk of The Shrub just vanished.

I thought "What's the worse possible thing for me to do for revenge?" I came up with blowing up her local Coke Bottling Company. Courtney is addicted to diet Coke, and I thought maybe that would take away some of her precious drink enough to know not to mess with The Jess.

But that is absurd.

So then I thought I would make her review some metal and hardcore rap CDs, a major turn from her usual pop and jazz albums she so dearly loves to recieve from her record labels and review with a smile. But then I realized that The Shrub would have to foot the bill for those, so I once again was revenge-less.

I thought maybe making her review songs from, but she said her mp3 player was kaput. Nothing I could do about that. I thought I might make this month's contest something like "Send the meanest, nastiest, rudest email to Courtney, and send us a copy! The meanest one wins!" but that might scar her for life. So what could I do?

I couldn't do anything but have a change of heart.

I do love Courtney's reviews and I know we're blessed with having her around. No one really likes to write reviews, and if they do, no one does quite a good job as Courtney. I'd much rather take music advice from a girl who has 600 CDs than myself or Jason, whose CD collections can probably fit into less categories than there are Spice Girls. I was (and still am) pretty sore about the whole "No contact" thing. That's what got my goat the most. But after I got all my meanness out and probably made Courtney cyber-cry, I decided that a girl who likes Ben Folds Five, Belle & Sebastian, Rufus Wainwright, Ed Norton, and the Squirrel Nut Zippers almost as much as me can't be that bad.

So Courtney, wherever you are, I hope you are reading this. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings too much, and I want you to know that we miss you and we need you around here to keep us complete and "hip"!!!

If anyone wants to write to Courtney, either something nice or nasty (not too nasty), send it to Tell her how much you love her reviews, and her taste in music rocks. Tell her how wrong she was to totally screw us over like that. Tell her Jess said hello.

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