This page copyright 1999 The Shrubbery
Are You Tony Blair?
A Quiz by Philip Dore
Are you finding it impossible to open your mouth without dispensing a media-friendly soundbite? Does your wife permanently look like she's had an electric shock? Do your teeth double as a radar reflector? It may be time to face up to the worrying truth that you may actually be Tony Blair. Answer the questionairre below to find out.
1. The millenium's coming up. How should we celebrate it?
a) We shouldn't! It only represents two thousand years of failing to achieve
a global revolution.
2. Poor people are...
a) The sleeping giants of the revolution. Once they realise their strength,
the the capitalists will be overthrown and the workers shall inherit the
course, this doesn't include the ones who read The Sun and kept
power all through the 80s. Bastards.
3. A couple of warring African states sign a peace treaty. Do you:
a) Rejoice in another victory for international peace and co-operation.
Besides, it's important to always feel sorry for black people.
4. What would go on your list of what is 'Cool Britannia'?
a) Well, the Poll Tax riots were pretty cool.
5. The minimum wage should be...
a) At least £50 an hour. Let's bleed those capitalists dry.
6. What does the 19th Century symbolise to you?
a) Class exploitation, child labour, rampant imperialism.
7. The centre of the universe is:
a) Karl Marx's grave.
8. What should be done about crime?
a) What society chooses to call crime is simply the various expressions of
frustration by members of the underclass against the government regime, and
I'm sticking to that idea so long as nobody touches my car stereo.
9. How do you wipe your backside after using the toilet?
a) I don't need to. As a fully paid up member of the working classes my
daily toil provides a steady and constant stream of sweat through my
providing a natural cleansing action and negating the need for wiping.
10. You're sitting in a pub and two people start having a fight with each other. What do you do?
a) Persuade them to put aside their differences and join forces against The
Man, who has just raised the bar tariffs again.
How did you score?
You are the epitome of old-fashioned socialism, shouting from the rooftops about anarchy and class struggle - except that your Dad is probably an estate agent from Tunbridge Wells. Revolt, but not to the extent that your parents stop your pocket money. You may possibly be in Chumbawamba.
Mostly B's You're a Tory. Nobody likes you. Not even your mother. Enjoy the next few decades of electoral oblivion.
Face it, you are Tony, and you'll rule the world forever with a flash of your grin and a very smart tie. Enjoy.