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Chicks with Dicks, the Gravitational Pull of Breasts, and Low-Income Housing in Africa

by Jessica Brandt

*Note: This is part of new ongoing series of interviews by Jessica. Since we've run out of Famous People to interview, we've decided to delve into the real life stories of Ordinary People, who are not half exciting as Famous People, but at least they talk to us. If you are an Ordinary Person, or even a Famous Person, and you'd like to be interviewed by Jessica, email her at

Once again, I started in with the sneak attack for this interview. I jumped on an unsuspecting victim and told him he would be the next lucky ordinary person to be immortalized in The Shrub. That's the best way to go about an interview, I think. That way, you don't get people with a lot of interesting things they had pre-planned to talk about. Instead, you get the most ordinary things.

Jessica: Hey how's it going?

Jeff: Not to bad...

Jessica: Your roommate, I think, gave me your name.

Jeff: My roommate, huh?

Jessica: he wants me to interview you for The Shrubbery. Ever heard of it?

Jeff: Yes, I have.

Jessica: Okay well we do this "Interviews with Ordinary People" thing every month, and he thinks you're pretty ordinary, I guess.

Jeff: If being unemployed is ordinary, where do I sign up?

Jessica: Ha! Well you don't get paid for this or anything. All I need is 30 minutes of your time. Are you interested?

Jeff: I'm interested...

Jessica: You sure? It could bring a lot of fame and fortune. You might have to completely change your life.

Jeff: I took an online test last night, it said I could handle success.This is Jeff.

Jessica: What was the test about?

Jeff: It was about whether or not I could handle success.

Jessica: So you're totally up for this? Being successful, I mean.

Jeff: Hey!, I'm ready for anything....and if I can't handle it, I won't hold The Shrubbery responsible.

Jessica: All right, let's go then!

Jeff: Just to settle my paranoid side, I'm asking for you name. See, last night, my roommate and I played practicle jokes on eachother.

Jessica: My name is Jessica. What was the joke?

Jeff: I had an online friend send a pic of her friend (Jake) who was dressed up as a girl to Sebastion [my roommate.]

Jessica: Sneaky

Jeff: Sebastion thought the girl in the pic looked alright, 'til he found out the girl had a penis.

Jessica: Did he find that out through the picture?

Jeff: No, my friend finally told him.

Jessica: You could have carried that joke a little further...

Jeff: Well, Sebastion asked a passer-by at school what he thought of the so-called chick. The passer-by thought she looked good. Sebastion confessed the chick had a dick. And that joke died after that.

Jessica: Wow. So is that considered fun where you come from?

Jeff: Where we come from?

Jessica: Or wherever you are.

Jeff: I think it's the people...not the place.

Jessica: Oh i get it. So how old are you?

Jeff: I'm 21.

Jessica: Ol' Sebastion says you had a pretty exciting August.

Jeff: I think you have that mixed around. He's one that had an exciting August.

Jessica: No, he said "We had a pretty exciting august and he could tell you about it or maybe I could and you could make it funny" or something. Like it's my job to make people with stupid stories about their Summers look funny!

Jeff: Well, if you can make a move from Michigan to Oklahoma funny, then by all means please do so. I sure hope you're able to do miracles.

Jessica: Why would you move back to oklahoma? That's pretty funny.

Jeff: I'm from here...and there was a force stronger than I ever thought possible pull me back.

Jessica: Did it have breasts?

Jeff: Why yes....yes she does, how did you know that?

Jessica: I've found that breasts have quite the gravitational pull.

Jeff: They SURE DO!!

Jessica: You should have made her come to Michigan. Michigan is where it's at!

Jeff: Well, Michigan isn't "where it's at".

Jessica: Oh. I've never been there.

Jeff: The winters there are horrible...6 feet of snow...

Jessica: Yeah but they never had one dust storm, I bet.

Jeff: This isn't the Grapes of Wrath era.

Jessica: So they got rid of all that dust?

Jeff: Yes...

Jessica: where'd they put it?

Jeff: We had it all shipped to Utah. Where no one lives.

Jessica: The girl from the "Real World" who lived there, she got kicked out. And sent back to wisconsin!

Jeff: There was a "Real World," Utah?

Jessica: No, but this season on the "Real World," the girl from BYU got kicked out of BYU for "cohabitating." They won't let her be a mormon anymore.

Jeff: Oh no!! Man that's some crazy shit the "Real World."

Jessica: Tell me about it. So your roommate's name is Sebastion, huh? That's pretty exciting.

Jeff: Oh it sure is...

Jessica: You know, I really want a bunny. And I really want to name it Sebastian.

Jeff: A bunny huh?

Jessica: Yeah. a gray one.

Jeff: Did you know rabbits can live for weeks without eating?

Jessica: Good!

Jeff: So if you ever go on a long're covered.

Jessica: I was thinking of letting my boyfriend keep the bunny for a while.

Jeff: Well then that's one dead bunny.This is Jeff, too

Jessica: I will be sure to visit Sebastian at least once a week.

Jeff: Well that's good, I guess...

Jessica: Your roommate says you're two fat guys living together. Or he is one fat guy, living with you.

Jeff: Actually the truth is...he's really not that fat anymore.

Jessica: What happened? Did he fall off the wagon?

Jeff: By fat people's standards he's thin.

Jessica: What about you?

Jeff: I'm fat!

Jessica: Really fat?

Jeff: Yes, really fat!

Jessica: Way to go!

Jeff: Thank you...

Jessica: Fat is cool, for a while. But if I were thin, I'd think fat wasn't cool.

Jeff: For awhile huh? When does it wear off?

Jessica: When you have to climb a lot of stairs.

Jeff: Oh! well that's why I don't put myself in those kind of situations. "Does this building have an elevator?" "Yes!" "WOO HOO!!"

Jessica: Is Oklahoma a relatively flat place with hardly any stairs?

Jeff:'s not flat at all.

Jessica: But there are no mountains...

Jeff: We have roling hills.

Jessica: Full of dust?

Jeff: Full of rock.

Jessica: Rock n' roll?

Jeff: You got it...

Jessica: Anyone famous from Oklahoma?

Jeff: Garth Brooks. Reba.

Jessica: No way!

Jeff: Yes way.

Jessica: So do you listen to country music?

Jeff: I stay away from that horrible noise.

Jessica: So what do you listen to?

Jeff: Rock, pop, alternative and some Indie.

Jessica: Oklahoma indie?

Jeff: No.

Jessica: Belle & Sebastian?

Jeff: I don't even think we have any.

Jessica: In honor of your roommate?

Jeff: Yeah, about that Belle & Sebastian, I deleted it from Napster, he just doesn't know it yet.

Jessica: Why don't you like Belle & Sebastian?

Jeff: Oh! it's not that I don't like them, I've never heard them...but I needed the extra hard drive space.

Jessica: Your roommate probably got all the songs with his name in them.

Jeff: Actualy, he did. Sad, huh?! But oh well..

Jessica: That's all right. i've only got a few MP3s and one of them is "Jessica"

Jeff: Simpson?

Jessica: No, that's the name of the song.

Jeff: Oh, good.

Jessica: So what were we talking about?

Jeff: Low income housing on the African Plains.

Jessica: Do you agree or disagree?

Jeff: I'm totally for it!

Jessica: Why is that? Sum it up in 10 words or less.

Jeff: The U.S. needs the cash flow...we're in debt you know!

Jessica: Right on. So do you think this has been an interesting interview?

Jeff: Yeah! Where else was I going to pitch my low income housing idea?

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