Chicks with Dicks, the Gravitational Pull of Breasts, and Low-Income Housing in Africa
by Jessica Brandt
*Note: This is part of new ongoing series of interviews by Jessica. Since we've run out of Famous People to interview, we've decided to delve into the real life stories of Ordinary People, who are not half exciting as Famous People, but at least they talk to us. If you are an Ordinary Person, or even a Famous Person, and you'd like to be interviewed by Jessica, email her at email@example.com.
Once again, I started in with the sneak attack for this interview. I jumped on an unsuspecting victim and told him he would be the next lucky ordinary person to be immortalized in The Shrub. That's the best way to go about an interview, I think. That way, you don't get people with a lot of interesting things they had pre-planned to talk about. Instead, you get the most ordinary things.
Jessica: Hey how's it going?
Jeff: Not to bad...
Jessica: Your roommate, I think, gave me
Jeff: My roommate, huh?
Jessica: he wants me to interview you for
The Shrubbery. Ever heard of it?
Jeff: Yes, I have.
Jessica: Okay well we do this "Interviews
with Ordinary People" thing every month, and
he thinks you're pretty ordinary, I guess.
Jeff: If being unemployed is
ordinary, where do I sign up?
Jessica: Ha! Well you don't get paid for this or
anything. All I need is 30 minutes of your time.
Are you interested?
Jeff: I'm interested...
Jessica: You sure? It could bring a lot of fame and
fortune. You might have to completely
change your life.
Jeff: I took an online test
last night, it said I could handle
Jessica: What was the test about?
Jeff: It was about whether or
not I could handle success.
Jessica: So you're totally up for this? Being
successful, I mean.
Jeff: Hey!, I'm ready for
anything....and if I can't handle it, I
won't hold The Shrubbery responsible.
Jessica: All right, let's go then!
Jeff: Just to settle my paranoid
side, I'm asking for you name. See,
last night, my roommate and I played
practicle jokes on eachother.
Jessica: My name is Jessica. What was the joke?
Jeff: I had an online friend send
a pic of her friend (Jake) who was
dressed up as a girl to Sebastion [my roommate.]
Jeff: Sebastion thought the girl
in the pic looked alright, 'til he found
out the girl had a penis.
Jessica: Did he find that out through the
Jeff: No, my friend finally told
Jessica: You could have carried that joke a
Jeff: Well, Sebastion asked a
passer-by at school what he thought
of the so-called chick. The passer-by thought she
looked good. Sebastion confessed the
chick had a dick. And that joke died after
Jessica: Wow. So is that considered fun
where you come from?
Jeff: Where we come from?
Jessica: Or wherever you are.
Jeff: I think it's the people...not
Jessica: Oh i get it. So how old are you?
Jeff: I'm 21.
Jessica: Ol' Sebastion says you had a pretty
Jeff: I think you have that mixed
around. He's one that had an
Jessica: No, he said "We had a pretty
exciting august and he could tell you about it
or maybe I could and you could make it funny"
or something. Like it's my job to make people
with stupid stories about their Summers look
Jeff: Well, if you can make a
move from Michigan to Oklahoma
funny, then by all means please do so. I sure hope you're able to
Jessica: Why would you move back to
oklahoma? That's pretty funny.
Jeff: I'm from here...and there
was a force stronger than I ever
thought possible pull me back.
Jessica: Did it have breasts?
Jeff: Why yes....yes she does,
how did you know that?
Jessica: I've found that breasts have quite
the gravitational pull.
Jeff: They SURE DO!!
Jessica: You should have made her come
to Michigan. Michigan is where it's at!
Jeff: Well, Michigan isn't
"where it's at".
Jessica: Oh. I've never been there.
Jeff: The winters there are
horrible...6 feet of snow...
Jessica: Yeah but they never had one dust
storm, I bet.
Jeff: This isn't the Grapes of Wrath era.
Jessica: So they got rid of all that dust?
Jessica: where'd they put it?
Jeff: We had it all shipped to
Utah. Where no one lives.
Jessica: The girl from the "Real World" who
lived there, she got kicked out. And sent back to wisconsin!
Jeff: There was a "Real World,"
Jessica: No, but this season on the "Real
World," the girl from BYU got kicked out of
BYU for "cohabitating." They won't let her be a mormon
Jeff: Oh no!! Man that's some
crazy shit the "Real World."
Jessica: Tell me about it. So your roommate's name is
Sebastion, huh? That's pretty exciting.
Jeff: Oh it sure is...
Jessica: You know, I really want a bunny. And I really want to name it Sebastian.
Jeff: A bunny huh?
Jessica: Yeah. a gray one.
Jeff: Did you know rabbits can
live for weeks without eating?
Jeff: So if you ever go on a long
Jessica: I was thinking of letting
my boyfriend keep the bunny for a while.
Jeff: Well then that's one dead
Jessica: I will be sure to visit Sebastian at
least once a week.
Jeff: Well that's good, I guess...
Jessica: Your roommate says you're two
fat guys living together. Or he is one fat guy, living with
Jeff: Actually the truth is...he's
really not that fat anymore.
Jessica: What happened? Did he fall off the wagon?
Jeff: By fat people's standards
Jessica: What about you?
Jeff: I'm fat!
Jessica: Really fat?
Jeff: Yes, really fat!
Jessica: Way to go!
Jeff: Thank you...
Jessica: Fat is cool, for a while. But if I were thin, I'd think fat
Jeff: For awhile huh? When does it wear off?
Jessica: When you have to climb a lot of
Jeff: Oh! well that's why I don't
put myself in those kind of situations. "Does this building have an
elevator?" "Yes!" "WOO HOO!!"
Jessica: Is Oklahoma a relatively flat place
with hardly any stairs?
Jeff: No..it's not flat at all.
Jessica: But there are no mountains...
Jeff: We have roling hills.
Jessica: Full of dust?
Jeff: Full of rock.
Jessica: Rock n' roll?
Jeff: You got it...
Jessica: Anyone famous from Oklahoma?
Jeff: Garth Brooks. Reba.
Jessica: No way!
Jeff: Yes way.
Jessica: So do you listen to country music?
Jeff: I stay away from that
Jessica: So what do you listen to?
Jeff: Rock, pop, alternative and
Jessica: Oklahoma indie?
Jessica: Belle & Sebastian?
Jeff: I don't even think we have
Jessica: In honor of your roommate?
Jeff: Yeah, about that Belle &
Sebastian, I deleted it from Napster,
he just doesn't know it yet.
Jessica: Why don't you like Belle &
Jeff: Oh! it's not that I don't
like them, I've never heard them...but
I needed the extra hard drive space.
Jessica: Your roommate probably got all
the songs with his name in them.
Jeff: Actualy, he did. Sad, huh?! But oh well..
Jessica: That's all right. i've only got a few
MP3s and one of them is "Jessica"
Jessica: No, that's the name of the song.
Jeff: Oh, good.
Jessica: So what were we talking about?
Jeff: Low income housing on the
Jessica: Do you agree or disagree?
Jeff: I'm totally for it!
Jessica: Why is that? Sum it up in 10 words
Jeff: The U.S. needs the cash
flow...we're in debt you know!
Jessica: Right on. So do you think this has been an
Jeff: Yeah! Where else was I going to
pitch my low income housing idea?