October 1998
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Mock Trial: should Bill Clinton be impeached?

Though none of the Shrub staff ever actually joined the mock trial team in high school, let alone earned a law degree, we thought it would be interesting to follow the Lincoln-Douglass style of formal debate to consider a question burning in the minds of the nation today. Shoul President Clinton be imeached? Dan Strohl will take the affirmative and Jason Morrison will present the negative case.

Keep in mind, you are the judge. There will be a way to vote at the end of the debate.

Resolved: The President of the United States should be impeached.

Affirmative Constructive -- 6 minutes

Before I directly address the issue at hand, let me tell you a little story about hometown ethics.

One pasttime we "hicks" from Sunbury and surrounding rural areas like to do is go shopping-cart pushing. Never heard of shopping-cart pushing? Well, basically, we would go to some Wal-Mart or similar shopping center very late at night, preferably when nobody's around, especially the cops. We drive around the parking lot with our beater cars and trucks (this is definitley a low-class thing -- no rich kids gonna do this in his daddy's brand new SUV), no intention at all of going inside. Then we spot it. The lone shopping cart in the parking lot, left by some lazy shopper after they unloaded their groceries.

Cross Examination of Affirmative -- 3 minutes

What the folks at home don't know about this debate is that Dan is from the country and I am a Clevalnder, born and raised. I might not know too much about hometown common sense, but I do know this: most of the time, Dan and I don't agree on anything. On one point, however, I would say we're in the same mind: we too go to parking lots late at night and have a similarly good time. But Dan is silent on this simple fact. Why?

Negative Constructive -- 7 minutes

Let me tell you a little story that, I think, will make my position clear. One thing we slickers from suburban Cleveland like to do is go shopper pushing. Never heard of shopper pushing? Well basically we go to K-Mart, late at night. We get in our moms' Dodge Neons and drive around for hours and hours with no intention of going inside. Then we spot it. The lone poor person in the parking lot. Or a baby, left by some lazy family after they unloaded their groceries.

Cross Examination of Negative -- 3 minutes

I believe Jason is missing the main point of my arguement.

We strike, running up to it and pushing the cart with the front bumper. When we get tired of pushing the cart after driving around the parking lot, we accelerate and then brake, sending the cart rushing headlong into some wall, canyon, bush or old lady. For some reason, this excites us to no end.

1st Affirmative rebuttal -- 4 minutes

My fondest cart-pushing recollection is when I went with a friend of mine to Meijer's once. We decided to push a cart around the side of the store, but it got lodged in between the car's front fender and the brick wall of Meijer's. So my lunatic friend speeds up, showering sparks all over the windshield and really messing up the cart. When we finally got the cart dislodged, we stopped to inspect it and we found most of the one side had burned off from the friction.

Negative rebuttal -- 6 minutes

First, I would like to point out that Dan used his cross-examination time for further constructive arguements. This is against both the spirit and format of the Lincoln-Douglass debate.

Secondly, we strike, running up to the person with the front bumper. When we get tired of pushing them around the parking lot, we accelerate and then brake, sending the person tumbling along the pavement, skinning their knees and elbows.

My fondedst memory is when I decided to push this smug, tall-ass cowboy hat wearin' stooge around the side of K-Mart. He got lodged between the car's front fender and the brick wall of K-Mart. So I speed up, showering the windshield with blood and bone chips and whatnot and really messing this guy up. When I finally wore through his midsection, his upper body rolled of the hood to the other side and fell, and his legs just went with the pavement. I didn't stop to inspect him. I got the hell out of there.

Clinton should not be impeached.

2nd Affirmative rebuttal -- 3 minutes

Boy, that was fun. Clinton should be impeached.

You be the Judge!

Send your votes and comments to: theshrub@theshrubbery.prohosting.com

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