The Shrubbery
October
1999
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Welcome To College FAQ V. 2.0 -- New Zealand Style

Updated by Matt Chamberlain

Editor's Note: Last month, we offered tips to new college freshmen about their college experience in our "Welcome to College FAQ." Apparently, we missed some of the most important tips- How to get IN to college. Luckily, our friend and yours, Matt Chamberlain of New Zealand, has put together a list of the best ways to get into those top choice universities without actually being quallified.

So, if you were rejected for the Fall semester and want to try it again for the Spring of 2000, here's how!


It doesn't matter how bad your marks were in high school. You can get into any university you want by writing a letter saying a combination of the following:

1. I am gay, lesbian or bisexual (It doesn't matter if you are or not)

2. I am a *insert minority race* (It helps if you get an interview with someone with status in the university and speak in a strong accent.)

3. I am *insert mental illness or disability* (If you get an interview it's best to go with mental illness coz it's easier to fake. Slash marks on wrists help, as does a nervous tick and saying "I've got to take my Prozac now.")

4. I was abused as a child

Also important in an interview situation:

Have at least one scar which looks like it was made by a switch-blade knife and have a heart breaking story about how you received it.

Remember, you are dyslexic. This gets you extra time in the exam and someone to help you write it. Don't worry about morality as no-one who actually has dyslexia actually uses these privileges. All of us with learning disabilities are far too proud to admit it to university staff. Everyone using these privileges lied to get them. It's expected, really they're just there to reward exceptional lying skills.

Find out who marks your essays, exams, theses etc. Make sure you know what they think, remember you think the same thing as them. With one exception: philosophy papers. In this case always disagree with the marker.

Philosophers like to think they are right, and it stands to reason that the less people there are who agree with you, the more right you are. That's how philosophy works.

When writing essays for English Lit papers use the word 'catharsis' at least twice. You'll invariably be right.

When on campus if asked 'do you smoke, drink, do drugs?' always ask what the person asking does. Then enthusiastically announce that you do all the same as them. If they say they do none, you think drug, alcohol and cigarette use should be punishable by death. Unless of course you really need a cigarette, then you 'have an appointment somewhere far far away.' This of course only applies to those who could at some stage be marking your work or employing you. Everyone else is probably trying to get a cigarette so tell them you'll give them a cigarette if they can perform oral sex on themselves. Almost no one can, so you can either escape while they struggle or get your friends to crowd around and have a good laugh. It only works on males unfortunately.

One last thing on the subject of mental illness: you can get almost indefinite extensions on anything by getting a medical certificate stating that you are schizophrenic. The reason you couldn't hand in 'x' on time is because you were having a psychotic episode and had to be put into care temporarily.

Also remember that once you finish your studies you are miraculously cured of all learning dysfunctions, mental illnesses, disabilities etc. Your sexuality was 'just a phase'. You belong to the largest racial group you can realistically be believed to be a part of and you speak with the most widely used accent in your area.

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