The Shrubbery
October
1999
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I Hate Network Television


A Rant


by Tracy Nolte

Well, over the many many years that television people have been doing what television people do best (a.k.a. making television shows), there have been a lot of unsuccessful attempts. In fact, I would hazard a guess that no one television show has been completely successful in all of the ways in which it set out to be (or not to be). In fact, in my opinion (which you can take or leave as you are wont) there has only been one show, one shining example of television glory, a gem in all it's splendor among so many particles of insignificant dust, that has amounted to anything. For a few short years it graced the airways bringing joy and happiness to all (and most importantly, to me). It made me laugh. It made me cry. It was new and vibrant and wonderful. It was a show based on such a simple little plot that still managed to shatter the bonds of simplicity to bloom into the rose of television glory. Its humor was complex. It was fantastic. It was fun. It was beyond description. It was taken off the air during my senior year of high school.

gone! I was devastated. I was perplexed. I thought life would, nay, could not go on. That is, until one fateful day, someone, who shared my love for this marvelous show, told me that it had not been canceled after all, it had been merely moved to a cable network. My heart rejoiced. There was still hope for the world after all!!! Just not for me; I didn't have cable. So I quickly made friends with people who did and once again happiness filled my life. That is, until one fateful day when these "friends" suddenly didn't want me around anymore (*huc-too* I spit on your shoes). Well, at this point my life couldn't have gotten any worse. I was without my one and only joy. Life lost its luster. My days became all gray. I started doing poorly in school and my personal life suffered (though that was probably more a result of my friends not wanting me around any more). Two years life dragged on in this fashion, barely worth living at all. Then I came to a happy place. A place with friends. A place with cable television. I was thrilled. Once more I would be reunited with this splendor of shows. A warmth filled my soul and I felt at peace. I could barely retain my excitement as the time approached when I could once again gaze at it wonderousness. I anxiously pressed the power button and keyed in the correct channel. The time I had been awaiting all these years was at hand.

But wait...

What was this? Where was my show? THE show? The pinnacle of all human creation?

I couldn't believe it. Instead of a television program of pure genius my wondering eyes beheld a stupid yellow fuzz-ball muttering in what can only be described as the ramblings of a brain-damaged heroin addict. "No..." I moaned (feeling slightly like a brain-damaged heroin addict myself). My soul felt numb as I realized that some idiot who worked for the television network had made the overwhelmingly foolish mistake of replacing (as if you could replace anything so extraordinary) the most amazing television show of all time with Pokemon.

And thus, I hate network television.

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