November 1998
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What's This World Coming To?

by Adam Bresson

I can't even freakin' believe it! The other day--and this really gauls me--I saw a twelve year old board a bus! That's goddamn right! A bus! I mean, don't get me wrong, public transportation is glorious, a celebration, but damned if I'd let a twelve year old on if I were driving that big old yellow sunshine!

I don't want to seem mad. I'm the peaceful type but some things...whoo!...God!...I'm really getting worked up! The other night I'm strolling through the park as I'm accustomed to doing with my pants about at the knees--kind of like now--getting some fresh air. Ya' know, airing things out. I love the autumn...Anyway, a lady runs up to me and shouts "Pervert!" and doesn't even invite me up for a cup of tea. Fix some bitter herbs, my lady, for autumn is here and I don't believe in covering up God jewels.

Can you believe her?! Resisting the temptations of Adonis! The nerve. And me all oiled up in the sweetest butter. Don't think I'm crazy. A loony. I mean, I buckle my seat belt. I foil wrap my grapes. And in a world like this where you can't be certain which day is Monday, I expect a little more class!

Baby in a bonnet, bun with nothing on it. Why do people do these things? I saw a man the other day drinking coffee out of a cup with a little corrugated wrapper. Literary? I think not! Why doesn't he do things like everyone else, avoid controversy? I wake up every morning, stare right into the eyes of Andy Griffith and thank the almighty that I have been put on this Earth to sell styrofoam.

This is the way I celebrate life. I mean, all the colors and such. When you go outside you've just gotta look around and see the milky glow of each person. The glow that says, "I ain't going to bark at you! Ruff, Ruff!" This is what makes this crazy ride on the biggest planet-like ape ride ever!

Some people think I'm just bitter. Well let me tell you Mr. and Mrs. Know-It-All, I am most certainly not. But, other people have said I'm cheery as in pleasant by dictionary definitions. Judge for yourself. Would a bitter person sew up kittens and then sell them on the black market?

I get a lot of "Whats?" and "Huhs?" but you know what, it doesn't matter. When you've been around the block as many times as I have you start to learn your ABC's! Oh my God, people unnerve me! I just get so messed up and I don't want to go out and get my paper and I don't want to go frolic in the tall grass with the pinkish pixies. They care a whole bunch!

What is all this really about? It's about freedom. Freedom to choose a life of burpin' and spittin' leisure over the day to day boredom of worker bees and fuzzy fleas. Not right, I tell you. A man should be able to walk down a cornflake street with shoes made out of milk.

Shout this manifesto out to the hilltops. Tell my brother I'm comin' home.

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