November 1998
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The Joys of Internet SPAM

By Jessica Brandt

Want to attract pretty girls? Want a university diploma? Fake ID? Want to learn how to spam????

Being that we here at The Shrubbery try our darndest to advertise ourselves for free, we send our e-mail address out to anyone (or anything) that we can. And, since you reap what you sow, we get out address forwarded to a million "spammers" every day. If you have e-mail (especially an AOL or Hotmail address), you know what I'm talking about. There are businesses out there trying to sell you everything, and trying to squeeze money out of you. Recently, we've gotten a few outrageous mails that I just had to share with you.

The Fake ID

Need a new driver's license? Too many points or other trouble? Want a license that can never be suspended or revoked? Want ID for nightclubs or hotel check-in?
Well, of COURSE we want that! This is any fifteen year old's, drunk driver's, and general road-a**hole's dream! But do YOU, the law-abiding citizen, really think that these people should have these IDs?
Avoid tickets, fines, and mandatory driver's education.
Oh gosh, Driver's Ed is SO unimportant to a healthy and safe driving career.
Protect your privacy, and hide your identity.
A necessity for any American deadbeat dad.
And, did you know?: The United Nations gave you the privilege to drive freely throughout the world! (Convention on International Road Traffic of September 19, 1949 & World Court Decision, The Hague, Netherlands, January 21, 1958)
I don't know about you, but I'm under the impression that in 1949 they didn't forsee there'd be so many fatal car accidents and so much under-age drinking, just like in 1778 it was a good idea for everyone to have guns in the house to keep the bison out. But, thanks to the recent SPAM technology, you once again have the right to drive drunk without having your license revoked.

Pheremones by Mail

SEXUALLY ATTRACT WOMEN EASILY! With nature's secret weapon.... Pheromones
I think I'm much more attracted Old Spice and killer eyes.
Invisible, odorless, and undetectable, when unknowingly inhaled by any adult woman, Androstenone Pheromone Concentrate unblocks all restraints and releases her raw animal sex drive!
Wow! You mean that any bum off the street can turn me on, even if he reeks of garlic, BO, and cigars?? Just as long as somewhere in the mix there's a Pheremone!
Scientists have isolated the natural Human male Pheromone attractants and they are NOW available to YOU, legally, in the U.S.!
But obviously, scientists have been using this all along, and that's why the geeky smart guys get all the chicks.
For the last five years, we have been researching and marketing pheromone products. We have sold thousands of bottles. We receive letters of praise daily, from men across the country!
Not to brag, but so do I!
Every time you wear Androstenone Pheromone Concentrate, it will send out a natural chemical signal of sex appeal to women that will compel them towards you, make you irresistible to them and they will not know why.
Once again, license to be a total jerk.
Pheromones will miraculously increase your sexual attractiveness with women. This will allow you to meet more women then you ever imagined!
So will brushing your teeth and turning off the Nintendo.
For a limited time, we are offering one bottle of Androstenone Pheromone Concentrate for only $19.95! ... that's right, only $19.95!
Can you say "Home Shopping"?
1 bottle of A.P.C. ...$19.95 or Buy 2 Bottles and receive a 3rd BOTTLE FREE!
Wow! Obviously, these women you meet won't still be attracted to you in the morning unless you keep dabbing it under their nose.

The University Diploma

Obtain a prosperous future and secure the admiration of all for as little as $125.
Wait, can't you get the same thing from ordering a $5 magic set? Or how about practicing the piano really hard?
Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited universities based on your life experience.
Does "Drinking until I puked, seven nights in a row" count?
No one is turned down.
That's what they say at McDonald's, too!
Your diploma puts a University Job Placement Counselor at your disposal.
Wait, I have to get a JOB? I thought the respect and admiration of my friends was enough.
Confidentiality assured.
Oh good. I wouldn't want anyone to think my "University of Azerbijan" diploma was a fake!

These are just a few of the dozens of SPAMs we get each month. Coincidentally, we got these three within one week, so obviously we sent our e-mail address to some major spam-site.

But seriously, if you are fed-up with SPAM mail, whenever you post your address anywhere, add "nospam" somewhere after the @ (for example, and then let the reader know to remove "nospam" from your address. This works well if you participate in newsgroups or mailing lists.

Or, you can do as we do, and collect these SPAMs for a good laugh. Who knows, maybe you could use some of these fine products...

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