The Shrubbery -- humor, satire, comedy
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by Jason Morrison

How many times do I have to tell you- I don't work here!

I'm not wearing a nametag, am I? When you look at my shirt, is there a little placard beaming, "Hello, my name is:" with Jason scrawled in magic marker? Let's look- what do you know, nothing! Just a shirt, no pins, buttons, not even a crappy sticker.

Oh wait, maybe this is my work shirt. I guess it is, if I work at the Plain Green Nothing Store With No Name. Looks like you work at Fat-Slob Tomato Sauce Incorporated, if I'm reading your shirt correctly. It's so hard to read from here, you are so far away- ever hear of personal space? Back off before I slap the taste out your face.

You know, even if I did work here, I wouldn't tell you which aisle to go to. Hell, I don't work here, and I know exactly where you should go. But I wouldn't tell you if you were the last dying California Condor and the only medicine that could save you were somewhere in this store. Though, if you were a condor, I'd be surprised if you lived long- birds as ugly as you get tossed out of the nest when they hatch.

I would quit working here just to avoid talking to you, if I worked here, which I do not. Yeah, I bet they have a lot of employees who walk around the store still in their coats, still wet from the rain outside! You caught me, genius- I'm an undercover customer service rep. Astounding Holmes, how do you do it? Maybe if you thought with your head, instead of shoving it up your butt and walking around asking everyone dumb questions, you'd have figured out where to go. Not that you even have a brain in your head.

Now, if you had asked me where to find brains, I'd tell you where they are. They probably wouldn't sell you one though, because putting it in your head would filthy it. We're not even in the right section of the store! Do you usually ask the guy at Orange Julius where to find Kohl's housewears? Why don't you look for some mustache wax instead, you Pringles- Can-guy-looking pimple?

Shut up. No, shut up! Just go away. Shut your reeky mouth, turn your big ass body around, and leave!

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