As you may or may not have read in October's Column, Dan has resigned his place on the Shrubbery Staff as official Angry Guy and Columnist. We got a lot of letters from readers, saying goodbye to him. Some nice, some nasty. Some asked him not to go and others wished him good luck. Dan Fans -- Don't worry. He might be writing for us occasionally. Perhaps not in his Angry state, but you'll be able to read his wonderfully crafted words again. And if not here, look for his name in other publications that you have to pay for.
The rest of the Shrub staff would like to thank Dan for all of his help. He was third in line in the chain of command here, and really helped us out a lot with getting the site up. And of course, his column was one of our most popular features. We wish him well and hope to hear from him sometime soon.
Jason and Jessica would particularly like to thank Dan for letting us know he wasn't coming back, unlike the rest of the wanker staff who just blocked our email addresses and don't return calls.
For your reading enjoyment, we plan to re-run some classic Dan columns in the coming year, until someone tells us to stop. Also, below are some of the letters we received about Dan. Since we didn't forward any of the letters to him, hopefully he reads them here.
Thanks again, Dan.
Dear Angry Dan,
I hope this is a joke. I've always liked your comments and surely this
column, written mostly monthly, does not take up such a signifigant amount
of time that it cannot be written while experiencing some of these adventures.
If it's true, then let me be the first to tell you Dan, that whole
"experience" thing is a lot of bull. People find my life facinating, I've
traveled extensivly, been the victim of most of the felonies on the books,
and have an extremely eccentric outlook on life. However, here's the secret...most people tell you you need "experience" because they are jealous of your good life.
What to do...starve yourself for a week, live outside and have all your friends come by and spit on you. It will save time and aggravation,
as the end result is pretty much what all "experience" feels like. It only
seems fun in retrospect, if you have a sense of humor and a brain.
Please keep writing.
Hey, this is Jason's little brother Ryan (although I am taller then him.)
I usually just tell Jason I read the Shrub all the time without ever looking
at the page, but today I was compelled for some reason to check this month
I read your sorry excuse for an article and it made me sick (actually
it was probably the box of grape-flavored Pop Tarts and the 6 cans of Dr.
Pepper I just ate on a bet.) But anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah
a pussy, a pussy named Dan. Wa wa wa, it seems every time I see you your
crying about something. Wa, I got stuck up on the roof of a dorm. Wa,
I'm gonna graduate college and all I can do is speak fluent German. Wa,
I'm a 21 year old virgin. Buck up man. I know your hippy types, long
hair, living in a van with an Arab, smoking his brain into oblivion. Just
because you wrote for some newspaper doesn't mean you can do anything you
want. You remind me of a young naive girl I used to date, Brittany Spears.
She was always like, "where's my life going, what should I do for a living,
where will I be in twenty years?" And I would always reply, "Just take
your shirt off and come over here Sugar." That seemed to shut her up.
She was always looking for the bigger picture a lot like you. I told her
not to though because she was probably turn up to be some two-bit whore,
who like pickled beets, and chewed snuff. That's enough about her, let's
just say she's a lot worse off without me. So stop crying, go to your
summer job at McDonald's like every other person, and stomp, stomp, stomp
those dreams to the ground or else you'll go nowhere. There's nothing
west of Chicago anyway. Oh sure, you here about magical places like Mississippi, Oregon, and Nevada, but trust me they don't exist. My advice for you is to only believe in things you can see in real life, like Pop Tarts, Sailor Moon, and nipples. This is why I think Lesbians
don't exist. Sure I see them in movies and on the computer, but never in real life. If any lesbians out there would like to prove me wrong, by letting me watch them I would be all up for it, you can E-mail me at MDSpoon28@AOL.com.
If you really want to go somewhere try Northfield Ohio, it's a nice little town complete with gangs, a porno shop, and horse racing track, a store
called "Beers USA", and smokers mart. It's nice I've been there. Oh, also
I've never seen a really hot girl completely naked so I don't believe in
them, I dare someone to prove me wrong (you can use the same E-mail address
So Dan pick up that spatula and flip those burgers. You can make 8 dollars
an hour, which is pretty good for a Damned Mexican like you.
Until then just stay in your room, and watch Dexter's Laboratory, you can
learn a lot about life from that show, plus he's kinda cute.
Hey love your web site it makes me happy that someone has something smart
to say. Myself i think Nascar is just a bunch of rednecks chasing each
other round in circles. And the people that devote there whole life to
professional wrestling. Hey man keep on telling it like it is.
Dear Angry Dan,
I was shocked, but not surprised to see you ending your column after so long. Above all, I look forward to reading your column every month, and I am disappointed to see it go. Granted, I've started many emails to you, thanking you for the truth on racial profiling and hate-crime laws, or flag-burning and free speech, or NATO and nukes. Everything that should interest us. In fact, the article titled "Sorry, but flag burning is speech, too" made me realize the importance of your message. I immediately thought of Fahrenheit 451, and brought up points from your argument in my Government class. Needless to say, few agreed with me. A certain canidate's "There should be limits to freedom" comes to mind. But I digress.
The closest I've come to an actually sent message was during the July coverage of patriotism. Every word (well, most of them) made me really think, and I like thinking. Really. In truth, I admired you for being able to tell the world (of The Shrub readers) how you feel, even when knowing it's quite possible few will agree with you. I can tell you with certainty there is at least one that does.
You remind me of Tom Tomorrow of This Modern World, the political satire cartoonist few people understand (read: few people like). What is it with the straight-talkers? We refuse to believe them! Our entire lives, we demand the truth, and when someone stands up and gives it to us, we cower and frantically try to forget what they said. Once forgotten, we again demand the truth.
Since I found The Shrubbery a few months back, I have combed the archives and read just about everything in there. Consistently, yours is among the best. I'm not lying, I have no reason to. And I am really not trying to be patronizing, but it is evident what happens when not enough people voice their support of the Good Things. So, I'll end this email with a thank you. It has been great knowing you through your writing. It's great being angry, but sometimes, without perspective, it will ruin us. As you've said, many things are great. Here is hope that you find the rest. (Out west, perhaps?)
josh rocket martinez
First, I wanted to just say...I dug your "don't you still live with your
mom" jab at me on the Shrub message boards. With that and your spoof of
AIM so many months ago, you've said some *really* funny things about me.
It's cool that you can spoof me and make me laugh at myself...and I
promise, I won't be as sucky as I usually am.
Having read October's column about your "leaving", I also wanted to
wish you well...I have to say that, of all the stuff to read in the
Shrub, yours was the first column I turned to. Uh-huh, not even
mine...and I want to say that I admire you for saying what's on your mind
and sticking to it. Too many people don't - their opinions and feelings
flicker and change with what's allegedly "cool". You've been willing to
stick to your guns, especially when it's not popular.
I mean, let's face it, you've been insulted by fans of PRO WRESTLING.
Yeah, *there's* a real group of intellectual heavyweights....but you were
*honest*. Not too many people are....and I wish you the best at your job.
By the way, if you're ever in St. Louis, I'll buy you the beverage of
your choice, depending on its legality and/or your possession of a fake
Thanks, and best wishes,
aka "Mr. Mature Guy"