Cannucks Amuck
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Canucks Amuck

by Jessica Brandt

*Note: This is part of new ongoing series of interviews by Jessica. Since we've run out of Famous People to interview, we've decided to delve into the real life stories of Ordinary People, who are not half exciting as Famous People, but at least they talk to us. If you are an Ordinary Person, or even a Famous Person, and you'd like to be interviewed by Jessica, email her at

This month, I interviewed Shannen from Alberta, Canada. She asked to be interviewed, like you should do. I don't think she knows what she was getting herself into...

Jessica: Okay, so what's the deal with this Web site? It's awful personal.

Shannen: Yeah... but, well, I'm a person. It's mainly anonymous, so I feel able to share things that I really wouldn't in daily life.

J: So do your friends read it, or at least people who know you in Real Time?

S: Nope. Well, two.

J: Does your boyfriend read it?

S: He doesn't even have an internet connection. It's grand.

J: What kind of rock does he live under?

S: Oh, and a big rock. a big, huge rock.

J: So tell me something, something you have not told The Internet yet.

S: Um... anything?

J: Anything worth saying.

S: I'm in dire need of a haircut. I'm craving mix tapes from all over the place. I've got a petty crush on a girl who doesn't speak English. I've had my period for fourteen days this month. I get paid on wednesday.

J: So what does this girl speak?

S: Sounds like Polish... she's real pretty.

J: Dainty or husky?

S: Dainty. Short and dark with pretty hair and a really great ass.

J: So what are you going to do about it? What CAN you do about it?

S: I can sit and stare for the rest of my high school existence. Which is twenty-eight weeks, and counting.

J: You're pretty young to have all those big thoughts. Way to go!

S: Big? Thoughts? Me?

J: When I was 18 I had thoughts like yours, on your site, but it never occured to me to write them down.

S: Hah, I wish I was eighteen. I could vote next week.

J: What do Canadians vote on?

S: The election.

J: Yes I know, but what? City councilpeople, president, queen?

S: I'm gonna turn this "interview" around- So, who's the Prime Minister of Canada?

J: A French dude whose name I could never write.

S: Yeah, me either...which is why I need to vote. We could elect someone who can be spelled...

J: I hear he doesn't speak English too well.

S: He does...just, kinda, out of the corner of his mouth... with a maple-syrup accent.

J: Because he eats a lot of maple syrup?

S: He could. He had a stroke, half of his face doesn't exactly function.

J: What is your favorite thing about Canada, other than the Polish girl?

S: Safety. Health care. No gun-toting rednecks.Well, fewer gun-toting rednecks. Amazing indie bands. The geography.

J: There are seriously no gun-toting rednecks in Canada? What about all those fur trappers? Those guys who invented Canada...

S: Fur trappers. Hah!

J: I guess a fur trapper wouldn't have a gun...just a big trap.

S: There are no fur trappers!

J: No fur trappers? I thought canada was all fur trappers and hockey players.

S: Oh, Jesus Christ, no. And no igloos, and no dogsleds, and no Eskimos. forget everything you've ever been told. It's all a big lie.

J: Well that's silly. Eskimos and igloos are in alaska!

S: If at all.

J: Well you do have hockey, right?

S: No more than you do in the states.

J: Do hockey players carry guns?

S: Guns? In Canada?

J: Because, our baseball and football players do.

S: On the field? Now that's a sport...

J: Everyone has a gun in America. Some have more than one. People in America vote for the president based on how he feels about guns.

S: Hense George W. Lovely.

J: What do you think of the recent American election, or lack thereof?

S: I think Gore should win...however, he comes with Tipper. Which is just no good... but, I'd rather have Tipper in the White House than George W. I shouldn't care, but realistically, your election has such a huge effect on us.

J: Why does it have an effect on you? NAFTA?

S: Yeah, just trade as a whole. And war. And our economy... and our politics... A friend said to me a few days ago- the 49th parallel is like a giant one-way mirror -- we look out and see a whole other country, but Americans just look at it and see themselves. It's very true.

J: War? What war? Ohmigod, are you guys afraid we're going to start a war with Canada?

S: No...but if you get involved, so do we.

J: Is that where all the fur trappers are? in the RCMP?

S: There are no fur trappers!

J: Cuz I think it'd be hard to get all those horses across the ocean if we had to take you with us for a war.

S: There's not even a whole lot of non-domestic fur! Oh, geez... this is one giant episode of South Park.

J: Actually, I really love Canada. Well, what I've seen. The Falls and Toronto.

S: Toronto is a filthy smog hole. The Falls are nice... Ontario as a whole just kinda smells bad, though...

J: I didn't notice the smell. I was too busy trying to go 100 kph.

S: Toronto. Where a "hoodie" is not a sweater, but a blow job... God bless this country.

J: Tell me some more Canadian.

S: Toque.

J: Which is?

S: That's what you call a "beanie," according to my dear Rachel in Arizona. ((Hi, Rachel))

J: A beanie, like a hat?

S: Yeah... a wool, winter hat. To us, a beanie is a skull cap with a propellor on top. We don't have Cherry Coke. And we have ketchup-flavour chips.

J: I don't think your friend Rachel knows what she is talking about. It does not get cold in AZ, they do not have a need for wool caps. I have never called a winter hat a beanie.

S: That's what I said. What do you call them?

J: Hats.

S: What about baseball-style hats? how do you differentiate?

J: "Mom, where's my hat?" "Your baseball hat?" "No, the winter one."

S: We call baseball hats "caps." I feel like a museum display.

J: What about soccer? Is it football?

S: Nope. Football is... well, football. Our Superbowl is the Grey-Cup, and it's this weekend. Thanksgiving is in October.

J: So was Canada discovered a month before America?

S: Wasn't it a few years after? Like, a hundred?

J: Maybe. We all raped and pillaged the natives. That's something we have in common.

S: We still do.

J: I am a native of America. I have never been raped nor pillaged.

S: That's probably a good thing.

J: So what is Alberta like?

S: Ever been to Montana?

J: Never. But I hear they have a lot of roads without speed limits. and a lot of famous people live there.

S: Hmm... yeah, sure. That's what Alberta is like. If "the same" means "not at all".

J: Do a lot of famous people live there?

S: Jann Arden... she's about our only famous export.

J: And who is she?

S: A singer. I thought she was fairly famous...

J: What does she sing?

S: Crap. And she's annoying and ridiculous. But famous. Oh, the Moffats live here.

J: They are actors, right?

S: No... Canada's answer to Hanson. Actually, they go to my school.

J: No shit, really? Are they as famous as Hanson?

S: Yeah... up here they are.

J: Do they actually go to school? Do they have bodyguards?

S: No, they just come. Not often, but they're enrolled. I've never seen one.

J: Hey, do you know John Hansen? Because he used to be our wonderful Canadian columnist and he dropped off the planet. I thought maybe you had seen him...

S: That's like "Hey, you're from Ohio? do you know Dave?"

J: I know Dave, but he is from North Carolina.

S: Yeah, I know a dave. Don't see him much anymore. And he has my CD.

J: Damn Canadians.

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