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Wanted: Female Translator

by Kevin Zeise

The English language is a wonderful thing. It allows us to communicate with other human beings and be able to understand each other.

Unless it's being used by a woman.

Don't get me wrong, I like women. Wait, let me rephrase that. I LOVE women. But good luck ever trying to communicate with one. They don't speak English like the male population of the country does. No, they instead have their own language that only other women can understand.

Any guy who's ever talked to a woman knows what I'm saying. You can try to make a comment to them, but it always seems to be twisted around in their mind. Try it sometime. Go up to a woman and say, "Hi, how are you today?" They'll automatically take that as though you said, "Hi, wanna go screw?" Women are like elephants. Oops, wait, better rephrase that one, too. I wouldn't want some chica complaining that I'm calling women elephants.

What I mean to say is that women have memories like elephants. They never forget a single word you've ever said to them in your entire life. You can try that one, too.

Tell a woman you're talking to that she's the best at everything (don't just say this to get them into bed. If it just so happens, then that's bonus!). Two weeks later, your best friend could score a pair of bleacher seats for a football game, and you'll tell him, "You're the best!" because you're so thrilled at watching the Browns play amid 75,000 other drunk morons.

But be prepared to get that shoved back in your face. She'll become distraught, and demand, "I thought you said I was the best..." and she'll be all sad and sappy. Boy, will you have some serious sucking up to do if you ever want to taste that piece of ass again.

But when she says something one day, and you just happen to be paying attention to her at that point, and it completely contradicts what she said the last time you were paying attention to her (approximately five weeks ago), don't bring it up to her. Women are never wrong. Don't believe me? Just ask one. They'll tell you there are two rules to talking to women.

Rule number 1. - Women are never wrong.

Rule number 2. - If a woman is ever wrong, see rule number 1.

You can have it on tape that she said two weeks ago that blue was her favorite color. But when she says that RED is her favorite color, and you call her on it, she'll deny ever saying she liked blue. Her entire wardrobe could be various shades of blue, but she'll claim she's never worn a piece of blue clothing. Don't argue with her, she's right. Her favorite color is red, if that's what color she wants it to be that day. All those blue clothes are gifts you bought her when you were positive her favorite color was blue.

Boy, are you stupid.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to be very, very careful when using the English language with women. English may be a beautiful language, but it does lose a lot in the translation.

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