December 1998
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An Interview with Prince Charles on his 50th Birthday

By Rob Putnam

London -- What is it about royalty -- particularly British royalty -- that many people in the world find irresistible? Perhaps it's the fundamentally human need to defer to a higher power; perhaps it appeals to a deep-seated admiration for Britain and it's highly romanticized past.

Whatever the case, people throughout the world are celebrating the fiftieth birthday of Charles, Prince of Wales. To mark this occasion, a special interview was granted to the almost equally famed Rob Putnam.

RP: Your majesty, I'd like to take this opportunity, on behalf of myself and the American people, to wish you a happy fiftieth birthday. I'd also like to thank you most humbly for the privilege to conduct this private, one-one-one interview.

PC: Not at all. It's my pleasure.

RP: Thank you your highness. You're most gracious.

PC: Too bloody right I am.

RP: Pardon?

PC: I said "It's you that I suddenly like, would you like a can?"

RP: Oh, thank you very much. Uhm, a can of what, may I ask?

PC: Right, we've got Guinness, Tennent's Super or Strongbow Cider.

RP: Oh, thank you. A Guinness would be lovely.

PC: Right you are, guvnah. That'll be 1.50, thanks.

RP: 1.50?

PC: Aye, Guinness doesna grow on trees, tha' knows.

RP: Uhm, well, right then, here you are.

PC: Ah, cheers, mate. Ta very much.

RP: Now, just what is it in your estimation that makes the British monarchy so beloved the world over?

PC: Ehm, it's, likesay, effing brilliant, ken?

RP: People are attracted to its sense of mystique and glamour?

PC: Aye, too right, muy son. Ye cannae ken how wizard it is being, ehm, prince, likesay.

RP: I see. Most eloquently phrased. You'll pardon me for asking what may be a personal question. How would you characterize your relationship with Camilla Parker Bowles?

PC: Camilla? Cracking bit a' crumpet, that. I mind the time she and I first met. We was, likesay, a bit on the piss. This bird, right -- Camilla -- comes oup to us, dead casual like: " 'ere, oin't you the Prince of Wales?" she says. "I 'ear you wear silk knickers, and that. Let's see 'em, then." I mean, what could I say.

Anyway, we're in the snuggery round my favorite pub. She gives us a snog on the gob and says "meet me round the back of the bogs in ten minutes: you show me your royal scepter and I'll show you a premature coronation." "Blimey!" I thought. "This is a bit of all right." We've been involved ever since.

RP: Fascinating. How do you feel about turning 50? Are you anxious for the crown?

PC: Well, as far as I'm concerned, 50 is just a number. You're only as old as you feel, which puts me somewhere in the neighborhood of 112.

As far as the crown's concerned -- and this is just between you and me -- I sometimes wish that the old dear would just sod off and leave the running of this country to a younger, more capable person, i.e., your's truly. I think the rest of the country agrees, or at least the lads down the Crown and Anchor, another of me favorite pubs, do.

Being the head of all these committees -- or whatever I'm head of -- is all right. You know, it's a bit of a laugh. But what I need is real power. I want people to tremble in my presence. You know, really fear for their lives when I walk into a room.

You know, last week I addressed the rabble down the retirement home. When I came in I heard one of them oldies say "Prozac all round, lads. Princie wot's 'is name's 'ere." I ask you, would that have happened during the reign of Henry the Eighth? It's no bloody likely. He'd have them beheaded, straight away and make no mistake. And believe me, that's the kind of respect for the crown I intend to revive when I finally get my go. Fair does, likesay, man.

RP: Finally, what are your thoughts on the future of the British monarchy? Is it doomed or do you see it playing a role in Britain's future?

PC: Look, there's no way that I'm going on the dole, right? Let's get that clear straight away. I'd like to remind the greater British public that the monarchy is an institution that has guided British government and society since Christ was in nappies. Needless to say, they'd feel a sense of loss and would have nowhere to look for guidance and inspiration. They'd have to become self-reliant, and that's something no one wants, especially mum, so sod off you sad wanker ... metaphorically speaking, of course.

RP: Thank you very much indeed, your highness.

PC: What?

Visit Rob's website, full of equally humorous news parodies, HERE

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