December 1998
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Pure Lard

by D.J. Kirkbride

So you're bored, right? There's nothing to do, no point to life, blah, blah, freaking blah. Well, get off yer lazy rump and do somethin' besides watchin' Rugrats for a change!

"But D.J., what can I, shiftless layabout that I am, do with myself?" you may ask, in a slurred speech that I have trouble understanding and am forced to ask, nay, demand, that you repeat yourself. Well, hmm, let me do a little something I like to call THINKING! Oh, whaddya know, and idea:

Start a cult. Oh sure, it's been done to death. But I'm not talkin' about worshipping some goat or somethin'. Goats are dumb. And they smell. Bad.

If I were starting my very own cult I'd, oh I dunno, MAKE MYSELF THE OBJECT OF WORSHIP! That's a no-brainer, folks.

I mean, dude, how sweet would it be to have people do things because ... YOU SAID SO?

Editor's note: We only printed this because Master D.J. said so.

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