December 1998
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MY LUNCH WITH JESUS


By Gordon R. Dymowski

[Yes, just in time for the holidays, I hereby present my interview with everyone's favorite Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I received a phone call from Loyola University Chicago, and Jesus Christ had called them trying to get in touch with me. After an extensive survey, Jesus and I went out to a nice little restaurant in Eugene, and he and I sat down and talked. Jesus was dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, and looks very much like Ted Nugent on Ritalin. He allowed me to tape the interview, just so long as I was willing to transcribe it - and burn the tape afterwards]
JESUS: Oh, Gordon - my dad thought that last month's "ADVENTURES IN MATURITY" was really cool. Of course, The Shrubbery is one of my dad's top 10 favorite web sites.

ME: I'm surprised to find God is a web surfer. Of course, when you're all powerful...

JESUS: Well, hey, when He's not keeping the universe in check, He needs to spend his free time wisely...but anyway, God - and I - are pretty darn angry with you guys.

ME: You mean....Oregonians? Duck fans? Democrats? Computer geeks?

JESUS: No, humans....great gosh-a-mighty, all I ever ask is "Love thy neighbor". That's it - nothing more. Hell, Dad had 10 commandments, I give you guys one...and you screw it up royally.

ME: I am trying, believe me....but tell me more.

JESUS: Well, that Pope guy....he's got everything wrong. I wish he'd wake up and smell the millenium. Geez, Dad really wishes human beings had warranties...and all those TV evangelists....look, if you want to promote my ideas, that's great, but you know what? Give your money to people who need it. People who are starving, and stuff. I tell you, Gordon, Dad and I were sorely tempted to really "take Oral Roberts back home." Hell, we hate those guys, they're only using us to get laid.

ME: OK, Jesus....[at this point, I take a sip of coffee, and spit it out]. F***, this is decaf!

JESUS: Here, let me...[He waves his hand over the coffee]. Try it now...

[I take a sip, and it's normal coffee]

ME: Ok, well, anything else that's on your mind....

JESUS:: Well, I need to kick every human being's butt in creation - and Gordon, I've already kicked yours - but you know who really gets on my nerves? Marilyn Manson. Look, pal, the Satan crap's already been done, and Alice Cooper did it better. Antichrist Superstar, my divine ass. Listen, Marilyn, or Brian, or whatever wanker boy name you're calling yourself, I had a crown of thorns in my head, was hung up on a big piece of wood until I suffocated, had rusty nails driven into my wrists, and you don't see me whining, now, do you?

ME: I've been meaning to ask - what was it like to rise again on the third day?

JESUS: Ever have Mary Magdalene ride you like a pony?

ME: Uh, no.

JESUS: Er, ah, it's kind of, well, it's kind of neat.

[At this point, we both receive our lunches - I have a nice, carcinogenic cheeseburger & fries; Christ has a BLT on dark rye with mayonnaise. This confirms that Jesus is not only not a vegetarian, but also that he's forsaken his Jewish roots]

ME: Rather than ask you some boring ass questions - which Loyola University has already done - I figured that Shrubbery readers everywhere would enjoy hearing you talk about stuff that's on your mind.

JESUS: Ok, well, first, all I said is that you "love your neighbor" - My Dad created everyone equally, and his truth is in all religions and stuff. My Dad doesn't give a rat's ass how you worship him, or what particular church you go to - just acknowledge that he's there outside of sports events, OK?

ME: Sure...you know, Christmas has been criticized as being overcommercialized. Now, granted, it is *your* birthday...is there any gift you like?

JESUS: Well, I'd like for people to be kind to each other the *other* 364 days a year. And that's the kind of birthday present I would like to get *every* year. Also, I'd like all the Marx Brothers movies on DVD.

ME: OK, anything else.

JESUS: Oh, and I want to say this for the record: I don't care if people have different views of me. I like Monty Python's Life of Brian, and The last Temptation of Christ, and the Kids in the Hall's "Dr. Seuss Bible" sketch. Even the Jesus on South Parkmakes me laugh my butt off. We created you guys in our image; we don't care if you make fun of us, or say stuff that may be offensive about us, because, well, hey, we're kind of like that.

ME: Well, do you have any brothers and sisters? Are you an only child?

JESUS: Well, not really. Dad just wanted one kid, although Mary and Joseph did have quite a brood after me. My stepbrother Bob is, well, he's kind of a nut job, but they're also really neat.

ME: Oh, and one last question: what's the Holy Spirit like?

JESUS: Think Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction. That's the best I can do.

[Reaching into my pocket, I pull out a piece of paper to hand to Christ]

ME: Here's a list of all the people who've wronged me, like ex- girlfriends, family members, and others. Could you, like, give 'em diseases or something ? Maybe have them all get worms - I know one person in particular who could really use some emotional help...

JESUS: Gordon, we've had this conversation before - you need to let go. The most I'll do is forgive 'em, and make sure nothing bad comes to them ...life isn't good or bad, which is what I want to let people, know. Life just is. It's up to you to have a good attitude about stuff. Quit blaming Us when things go wrong, and make the best of bad situations. Sheesh, take some responsibility for your life and think for yourselves.

We'll always be there if you need us.

[The waitress comes and hands me the check. Jesus attempts to snatch it out of my hand, but I snatch it away.]

JESUS: Um, Gordon, I'm Jesus Christ, I have an infinite amount of currency at my command.

ME: No, thank you, Jesus. You died for my sins - the least I can do is pay for lunch.

[After lunch, Jesus and I went outside. I congratulated him for making today the best day yet, and he thanked me for paying for lunch. He then went up in a golden light, and I made my way to a local adult bookstore for naughty magazines. I hope you've enjoyed this, and thanks for reading!]

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