This page copyright 1998 The Shrubbery
The Santa Claus Controversy
By Julie Wernau
As everyone knows, America is the most disgusting, horrible, gruesome country on Earth. We are more corrupt and egotistical than any other nation in the world. Shame on us. Thousands of historians, sociologists, and theorists have spent lifetimes searching for the root of all the evil and hatred rampant in our country today. Many have come up with some amazing theories, which I myself naively believed as did the rest of the nation. For example, Ted Kazinski, better known as the Unabomber, was a genius. And I do not believe that I am alone in this belief. His theories, carefully researched and written in a shack in the middle of nowhere, completely isolated from civilization, show very well how technology is obviously the root of all evil. I especially liked the part about killing people. That really tickled my funny bone. Everyone knows he never killed anyone and that it is all a plot brought forth by our communist government to set the masses against one another. But I fear I am getting painfully off subject. There are many other theorists worth mentioning, but to be perfectly honest I have not done any research whatsoever upon any of their theories. I just like to throw around famous names to give more weight to my own writings. In reality I have no basis for anything I am about to tell you, but I figure if I sound confident enough and emotional enough about my views, you too will believe what I have been deliberating over my entire life.
After years of analyzing story books and three years on my apprenticeship at Santa's Workshop located in the North Pole, I have discovered really and truly the reason that so much corruption is hindering the progress of the American people. It's all because of Santa and his little stooges up there in the North Pole.
Unfortunately, because Santa Claus has brainwashed so many people into believing that he is a good honest person, this stance will be a difficult one to take. In reality, Santa Claus is a prejudice pedophile, bent on world domination. He sets a bad example the world over and promotes consumerism, communism, and obesity. Not only that, but his treatment of Mrs. Claus is atrocious. That the feminist movement has never taken this issue up to the North Pole, in itself, is a startling realization that the American people are extremely ignorant upon this important subject.
On my internship at Santa's workshop, I found many startling atrocities developing inside Santa's little "fun house." Santa Claus uses slave labor in order to manufacture his toys. His little elves are all made to work day in and day out without any pay except for Mrs. Claus' cookies. Because these little elves are less fortunate than you or I they have no idea that slavery has been outlawed, and that if they worked at UPS (now that the strike is over), they could get close to ten dollars an hour plus benefits, wear a much better uniform, minus the pointy little shoes, and get to drive around that nifty little truck with no doors. Santa Claus, or as we should call him, Satan Claus, is the prime reason that NIKE is having so many problems. Santa is supposed to be a role model and his promotion of slave labor has given little boys and little girls the idea as they grow up that it is okay to use people to their advantag just because they are shorter than them, hence, the horrible NIKE factories in China.
Now, have you ever heard the song "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer"? Well, you know the drill. Santa asked Rudolph to join his team of reindeer and Rudolph volunteered. Well, don't believe it. It's all a lie. The bitter truth is that, in my startling interview with Rudolph it turns out he has a very different story indeed. The reality is that Rudolph is a just a regular reindeer with a red light bulb Scotch taped onto his nose. He is using Rudolph as a freak show in order to make a profit. Every Rudolph movie and Rudolph song and Rudolph stuffed animal, now I know this will be a shock, but every one of those items is completely....FICTIONAL!! Santa Claus is a fake and a fraud.
Most of us have had our doubts about the Santa's in our local shopping centers, and the truth is that most of them are fakes, but Santa also goes to the shopping centers each year. He doesn't have to, but the truth is that Santa is a pedophile who feeds on little children. Why do you think that you hear so often about a poor little child who is afraid of Santa or who cried on Santa's lap? The truth is that Santa is copping a feel. This sick man has brainwashed the entire nation into believing that it is normal to allow their little children to sit on a strange man's lap just because he is wearing a horribly out of fashion winter suit. Where do you think all the child molesters of the world came from? They learned it from watching Santa Claus.
Santa is also a blatant racist. He is completely anti-Semitic and prints anti-Semitic literature. He is always talking about how the "nice" little boys and girls will get presents at Christmas. Did you ever wonder why no little Jewish boys and girls ever get a Tonka truck under the menorah from Santa? It's because Santa is affiliated with the KKK!! In fact he's heading it up! None of the naughty children receive presents. In this case the naughty children all just happen to where yarmulkes. Coincidence? I think not.
Song lyrics such as "he's making a list, he's checking it twice, he's gonna find out who's naughty and nice..." , sound eerily like Nazi chants to me. And these are songs which children sing every day. Our children are growing up to be little Hitlers!
We haven't even approached the issue of animal rights. Santa Claus is the reason that animals are so ill treated in America today. He makes these poor reindeer, who were never meant for flying in the first place, carry, by my calculations, nearly 500 million times their own weight at twice the speed of light all in one night. Granted the load does get lighter as the night goes on, but just think how many reindeer must instantaneously burst into flames as they pass the speed of light. Their poor singed carcasses probably never even reach the ground. That's a lot of dead reindeer. Is this treatment moral? What kind of sick delusional man is this Santa Claus?
And as for his submissive little wife, she doesn't even admit to having a first name. How out of touch is she? Santa is obviously an abusive alcoholic. I mean, come on, with his face always being red and all, and that massive beer belly, he must be the biggest alcoholic of all time. Who knows what he puts in that egg nog? Also, due to the submissiveness of his wife and her obvious mental disorder displayed through her incessant need to bake cookies, it is possible to infer that Santa beats her. What with his obvious power hungry personality, lecherous behavior, and sick use of slave labor, his abusive behavior should not be surprising. To be perfectly blunt, has anyone ever really seen Mrs. Claus? I never did...for all we know he may have beaten her to death, chopped her up into a million bite sized pieces and fed her to the reindeer long long ago. Either that, or they are divorced finally and Mrs. Claus is living on welfare while deadbeat Dad Santa Claus refuses to pay child support for their little elves. But, let's not infer anything without the facts.
Lastly, I have come to believe, through years and years of careful research that Santa Claus is bent on world domination. That commie bastard wants to turn the whole world toward communism. It is already present in his workshop- everyone dressed the same, list upon list of every single citizen. Everyone knows that those candy canes contain mind control. He knows every little thing about you. He could attack at anytime. Big Brother is watching you, and his name is St. Nick. Because Santa is the only one who decides who's naughty and nice, we have no way of stopping his evil plan. He has set up propaganda the world over to promote his campaign. They are called malls. As the shoppers pour in every year, spending every single cent they have on Christmas presents, they get more and more ingrained into their heads Santa's evil messages. They hear the Christmas music in every store, subliminally telling them to kill all Jews, they see the posters everywhere convincing them that spending every cent is best for all. You see, Santa's plan is to leave everyone penniless, so that they have no choice, but to listen to his demands. Then he will be supreme ruler of the world. Sick isn't it?
The only solution is to put an end to Santa Claus. He is obviously the one and only reason why humans have become so utterly wicked. His tendency to feed on small children, the treatment of his wife, his obvious affiliation with the KKK, and his plan for world domination, should make Santa Claus Public Enemy Number One this year. So next time you take your child to see Santa Claus, give him a gun and say, "Honey, if Santa tries to cop a feel this year, blow his brains out." Besides, your kid can't be tried as an adult anyway, so what's the harm really if you think about it. And whatever you do, stay away from the candy canes.
"A Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night."--Brought to you by Assassinate Santa Soon (ASS).
Editor's Note: Miss Wernau's views do not reflect the views of The Shrubbery. Jessica still believes in Santa Claus. He is The Robot From the Future.