December 1998
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The Spirit of Christmas?

By Jason Morrison

Ah, its December again. The last month on the calendar, the longest day of the year, snow, whatnot, etc. Who cares?

Everyone. Everyone cares about or because it's December. Because of the Christmas spirit. Even people who don't celebrate Christmas usually have some other holiday, so they have some sort of vague 'holiday spirit' and it's the reason for the season, Messiah or no.

Where does it all come from? Why do normally and properly rude Americans (and other countrians) suddenly feel a connection with humanity, stop dumping all over each other and play nice? I, Jason Morrison, ace reporter, pledge to find out why--whatever the cost.

Whatever the cost.

I'm going to organize my quest in the most obvious way, just to save time: chronologically by age. I found 5-month old Johnny Samson for my first interview.

Jason: Where do you get the holiday spirit from?
Johnny didn't answer. I asked again:
Jason: Where do you get the holiday spirit from?
Johnny: ...
Again, no answer. Then I noticed he wasn't breathing, either. Someone had carelessly placed a phonebook on that baby.

My quest went on. I next talked to 4-year-old Timmy Tikeford, an uncomfirmed member of some odd Protestant denomination.
Jason: Where do you get the holiday spirit from, my lad?
Timmy: Huh?
J: Why are you always so nice around Christmastime?
T: So Santa will know Im nice and not naughty and give me the things that I want.
J: So it's greed? That sounds more explicably American to me...
T: Huh?
J: I mean, what do you want for Christmas this year?
T: A Power Ranger neo-zeo ultra-
J: Santa Claus is dead.
Timmy cried.

I moved on. Next up, high school sophomore Celine Berrymore.
Jason: What's so special about Christmas?
Celine: Who are you? What are you doing in my bedroom?
J: Tell me about peace on earth and good will towards man!
C: Dad!!!
J: Spill it, mistle-hoe, or I'll cut you open!
Gee, she was a big help.

I decided I needed a more mature viewpoint; where better to go for that than a frat party?
Jason: (to everyone) What do you guys think about Christmas?
Some partiers ignored me, some scoffed, some cheered and drank to my queries. One small group took turns on their heads, injesting beer through a tube. With no easy anwers forthcoming, I stayed there until well after 2AM. At that point, apparently, no means yes and I was forced to have sex with several football players.
But still no answers.

I decided to ask an adult, choosing a 39-year-old packing clerk in Spokane named Jill Solvent.
Jason: What do you like about Christmas?
Jill: I get a bonus, though probably not this year because they just changed management.
Jason: Oh, is the company losing money?
Jill: No, in fact stocks just split. I think it's because they fired 2,300 more people last month.
Jason: Well what do you normally do with the bonus? Buy coats for the poor? Finance AIDS research? Feed puppies?
Jill: I use it to pay off credit card debt. Actually, no. I buy more things, usually, in an attempt to find satisfaction materially which I lack intellectually and spiritually.
I had heard enough. I can only conclude the spirit of giving, peace on earth, et. al. is made up by greeting card companies or some other shady alliance.

To round out my study, I did on more interview with senior citizen, Ohio Senator John Glenn.
Jason: Hey, wlecome back to earth. What do you think about the spirit of Christmas, spaceman?
John: Well, let me tell you: when you're up there, and you see the whole earth as one small, fragile ball of crystal blue, you start to think about the important things. We really have such a small world, and we're all the same at heart--why fight? Why have wars? Peace on earth, goodwill towards man.
Jason: I heard the moon landings were faked. They shot it in a desert in Nevada.
Glenn: Bite me.

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