Angry Dan's Column
This month I promise to answer the question which has perplexed many in
the past year and a half. No, I refuse to comment on whether Tinky Winky
is gay, whether Jesse Ventura is a moron or a genius or most other questions
your feeble mind dares to dilly-dally with. I promise instead to tell you
all why I'm so angry.
It's because you're all fucking morons and I'm a conceited bastard.
Let's begin with an email I received last month from an attentive Shrub
reader regarding my August
From: "Lauren Davis"
Subject: Re: New mid-month, plus T-shirts
Date: Sun, 19 Sep 1999 14:16:12 PDT
Stone Cold is on WWF, NOT WCW!!!
This shouldn't even merit a response, but I'm gonna anyway just because
I'm conceited. Thank you, Laauren Davis, for pointing out my error. The
fact that I neglected to check my facts is evident. Yet I actually have
meaningful occupations of my time, as opposed to you brainless slobs who
allow this grotesque and unnecessary display of faked violence and faked
machismo and faked tits to pander their merchandise and stocks your way.
I can't believe the number of morons who buy into that whole thing. To illustrate
the mindlessness of it all, I provide an anecdote from the early days of
pro wrestling. In the late '50s, my grandfather watched pro wrestling on
television. He got so into the matches that he once actually put his foot
through the television screen. True story. If that was all I knew of my
grandfather, I'd have dismissed him long ago and wouldn't admit again I'm
related to him.
Here's another moronism: NASCAR. As many of my friends and acquaintances
will tell you, I'm an automotive nut. A regular gearhead. I own and drive
daily a 1971 Chevrolet Nova. I'm all for car racing, too, but at the same
time I find it absolutely ludicrous whenever I see a "3" or "24" sticker
plastered on someone's rear window, trunklid (bootlid for Uncle Summy) or
bumper. Why in hell would you proclaim to the world that you buy into multimillion
dollar merchandising ventures designed specifically to suck the money out
of moron rednecks? Or, for that matter, proclaim you belong to this elite
class of moron rednecks?
And it doesn't stop there. There's plenty of morons in this world, so make
way for one conceited bastard and his point of view.
Has Dan made you angry?
If so, feel free to send him and email and let him know just how
wrong he is.