I Can't Wait for the Millennium!
by Jason Morrison
I can't wait for the Millennium. Actually, that's not true. What I really
mean to say is that I can't wait for the year 2000, Y2K. I know the real
Millennium doesn't happen until next New Year's, but who cares about the
real Millennium anyway? Turning the really big impressive number in the
year from a measly 1 to an ass-kicking 2 is something I can sink my teeth
into. The real Millennium is just some tricky calendar thing.
For hundreds of years, the year 2000 has been, more or less, the line
defining when The Future begins. For example, The Jetsons, though
written in the 60s, obviously took place well beyond the year 2000 and
therefore The Future. Similarly, 2001: a Space Odyssey was set in the
near future- heck, they still had a Cold War on- so it was only one year into
Star Trek was set in the 2200s or 2300s, I forget which, so they were
obviously well into the future. In Back to the Future, Part II Marty
McFly went to the year 2015- well enough into the future to have fun new
gadgets (like dust-repellent paper), but not far enough to have any nuclear
apocalypses between us and them.
So I can't wait. Once that clock hits midnight, there will be nothing
between us and flying cars, moon bases, alien contact, and who knows what
I know what else. There will be robots who talk and act like people,
people who talk and act like robots, more people with robot parts in them
who will fight Communism, and even medical devices that work like magic- if
you call science magic!
I realize we won't all be flying around with personal jet packs the second
the ball is dropped. Obviously, it will take time for the government or
aliens or megacorporations or whatever to distribute phasers, light sabers
and genetically-engineered talking dogs to everyone. I'd guess it would
take at least 6-8 weeks delivery within the continental United
States- except they may use futuristic tractor beams and teleporters to cut
that figure in half.
As for the Y2K bug, well, I'm not worried. As a computer science minor, I
can assure everyone that elevators won't snap and fall, airplanes won't
drop from the sky, and nuclear reactors won't go thermal. Unless you're
reading this from Russia, in which case, all of the above doesn't apply to
Also, I don't expect the second coming to happen this month, or next. I'm
pretty sure there has to be a war between Isreal and Gog, known as Russia,
first. Or maybe them and China. Or Argentina and Gammora.
I did it all for the nookie! The nookie! So you can take that cookie and
stick it in your ear!