Things I've Said to People Today
by Jason Morrison
Can I borrow your car Wednesday night? I have to go to the
I feel like a 75-year-old man. Except I'm this
amazingly sexy, virile,
potent 75-year-old man.
Don't you think that John Paul is the sexiest
Pope in recent memory?
What about the next Pope-Leonardo DiCaprio?
I have to get more water. [singing] I have to get
What do you call a dead baby… actually, I don't have
a punch line, but if
you asked me right now I bet I could think of one.
You can't just clothesline me and then stand there
Write an article about how George W. Bush is a
dumbass. Make the headline
"George W. Bush is a dumbass."
Is this that edible packing stuff?
When I lick it, it melts, so it's
We're stealing your boxes!