Unintelligent Design Network, Inc.

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Our Mission

UDN, Inc. and GNIJS of Ohio are united in our cause to open up Ohio state science curriculum to fair, even-handed and objective discussion of all sides of the issue of the origins of life.

Although we believe the Ohio Board of Education has improved its track record with the recent debate between proponents of teaching evolution and those in favor of intelligent design, we are aghast that the State failed to notify our group of the debate, invite one or two of our speakers, or show the slightest recognition of our position on the issue at all.

We are not a group of lunatics or Bible-thumpers, as some have categorized us. We merely want to ensure that the new standards are appropriate for all citizens in our state. We are particularly concerned that fair, reasonable, and unbiased standards be written. These so-called scientists, who claim science is objective, have not even examined our alternative theories for the origin of life.

We hereby propose that a new debate be held, including members of the scientific community to argue that evolution should be taught as is, members of SEAO or the Intelligent Design Network, Inc. to argue that life shows evidence of an intelligent, omnipotent creator, and member of our organization to argue that although life was designed by an all-powerful creator, he is in reality pretty dumb and not very good at it.

The Evidence

We believe creation scientists and the members of SEAO have presented the case for a creator fairly well. They point out, for example, that there are large gaps in the fossil record, that it is a theory and not a fact, and that some Phd's have even begun to doubt it. "If evolution is true," they might say, "then why can't we observe it today, huh?" They might then go on to add, "and don't even bring up all the different breeds of dogs that all came from the same origins, or other examples of animals adapting to an environment by natural selection, be cause that's all just a theory. And all that genetic 'evidence' that you need to go to college to understand, that stuff's not fair."

At the same time, scientists point out that science is all theory, that intelligent design is and untestable theory, and that there is an incredibly huge body of evidence in favor of evolution. Some scientists even go so far as to ridicule the Creator (whoops, lowercase that 'c'), as in this Plain Dealer article:

"The fossil record shows that 23 different elephantlike species, including woolly mammoths, have arisen and died out during the past 5 million years, victims of an inability to adapt to changing conditions. Only Asian and African elephants remain. If an all-knowing designer was responsible for that work, [biologist Kenneth] Miller said to applause, 'it's distinctly substandard, because nearly every one became extinct. If you want to accept intelligent design, you'd damn well better account for' the numerous examples of failed species."

But instead of being swayed by either side, we at UDN, Inc. have found a theory that effectively merges the strengths of the two theories without the weaknesses. The intelligent design people say there are too many holes in the fossil record, and that evolution is only a theory; the scientists say there's not enough evidence of intelligent design. So we say, instead, that life has indeed been designed, just not very well.

Miller himself, a biologist, states on of our best illustrations. There have been 23 elephant-like animals in history, and yet only two survive today (and we add, they're not doing very well). Clearly, this is the mark of an all-powerful creator who is stuck on the same stupid idea and can't figure out why the hell they keep dying off. Hmm, perhaps it's because giant, big-eared mammals with huge, prehensile noses are ridiculous? I mean, WTF? A giant, powerful, grasping… nose? It looks like something a preschooler would make up.

But there's more. The fossil record is littered with animals that prove God, er, whatever magical force designed life, is several fries short of a happy meal. I mean, look at the Dodo. Unlike other huge, successful birds like eagles and buzzards, our creator decided the next big thing would be a huge bird with teeny-tiny wings that didn't do squat. Add to this the fact that the stupid things practically jumped into the Portuguese sailors' cooking pots themselves.

Or the duck-billed platypus. The creator spends millions of years dividing everything up into nice little categories like "mammal" and "reptile," and then completely blows it on this one little egg-laying furball. I'm surprised He (or She? Oh, watch the capitals) was able to stick to it this long as it was.

Science proves our stance. Look at this scientific reconstruction of life 505 million years ago. Now, what does this remind you of? A, a well-designed ecosystem, or B, the cover to a really bad science fiction novel? Objectively speaking, I think we all realize it's B.

And who the hell though giraffes were a good idea? Bloody unlikely looking, if you ask me. And those tyrannosaurus, with the tiny little arms? Why even leave the arms in, except to flail about Corky looking for a snack. Speaking on this subject, did you know whales have hip bones? That's like if a human engineer put an outboard boat motor on a city bus. I think it's clear God never went to college, and I'm thinking it's sketchy he even has his GED. They guys in middle school shop class made more function and professional looking projects that half of God's motley menagerie.

How you can help

First, you can send an email to Jennifer L. Sheets, Ohio Department of Education President, demanding our voice be heard. Or send a note to Deborah Owens Fink, a board member who has supported alternative theories and letting public opinion determine science in the past (read her editorial here)

Describe to them in your own words why you think we should be given a voice in this matter and then send them a link to our homepage so they can stop being so biased toward naturalistic explanations for everything and conduct a fair and objective investigation.

Also, media coverage would be a great boon, so any mail you could send to the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Columbus Dispatch or Cincinnati Inquirer would be much appreciated.

The Shrubbery